Dating
Someone with Another Faith Background
-
by Susan Dunn, MA, Relationship & EQ Coach
You’re dating
and your religious beliefs are different. How much difference
does this make?
The answer is:
Another person’s religious beliefs are important to you
to the degree they’re important to you. This may sound
like begging the question, but it’s an important thing
to ‘get’. Assuming you’re looking for marriage, you need
to make a “must have” and “can’t stand” list. If certain
religious beliefs go into either group, pay attention to
them, because you won’t be happy if they aren’t there (or
are and shouldn’t be) and the relationship won’t work in
the long run.
Begging the
question is what Zen koans are all about; those maddening
“answers” that the “master” gives when the novice asks
a question. He seems to answer all around something without
coming out and saying it. Why is this important? Because
the master is also teaching the novice how to think and
how to answer his own questions.
The master answers
so that the learner understands they’re either asking a
question no one knows the answer to (like “Will this man
make good children?), or it’s a question you don’t need
an answer to in order to get on with your life (like, “Will
this man go bald when he gets old?”), or that you know
the answer as well as anyone else, you just don’t know
it by reason (which is limited) and you can’t accept that
(like, “Are we compatible?”), or that only you can answer
(like, “Is this the right man for me?”).
In the case
of religious beliefs, the emotionally intelligent thing
to do is to figure out what you want (work with a coach
for clarity; it’s worth it) and then experience the person.
It’s important
to formulate you spiritual “must haves” and “can’t stands”
in the correct way. Do you mean adherence to a certain
set of principals as espoused by a certain faith, such
as being Methodist, or Buddhist? Do you need someone to
agree with every word you say about it?
Or do you want
the person to believe in certain spiritual principals which
could be compatible with various faiths? Does it matter
to you more how the person argues their faith verbally
in their head, or how they live it in their daily actions
and behaviors? Some people live in a way that’s very compatible
with certain faiths, though they may not officially belong
to any religious organization. Some religions require only
faith; others require certain actions.
If you want
to see certain values and principals in action, what are
they? Honesty? The Golden Rule? Compassion? Kindness?
I do encourage
you to take the time to see how the person lives out their
principals. It’s easy to say you believe in charity. It’s
not so easy to tithe.
Now since we
began with koans, here is one to help you understand how
to go about this, from Lao Tzu: “A tree that is unbending
is easily broken.” This is referring to the EQ competency
of flexibility.
Choosing a good
life partner is a matter of both head and heart. I know
all the self-help experts out there are telling to make
a list, make a list, but, really, your common sense will
tell you that people don’t conform to lists. That’s why
you’re still looking, right? Most of the clients who've
come to me for relationship coaching have list that don't
work in the real world. In other words, they only make sense
on paper.
It's nice to
make a list, yes, except it’s just words. Also the things
on the list may not add up to someone who loves you treats
you well, and is a responsible, pleasant and comfortable
person to be. (Unless of course those things are on your
list.
You’re going
out to add something to your life – a partner. Think of
it in terms of choosing a pet. You can head out to buy
a Chocolate Lab, or you can head out to buy a female Chocolate
lab with a gentle disposition who’s good with kids, or
you can head out to by any dog with a gentle disposition
who’s good with kids, or a dog under 50 lbs. with a gentle
disposition who’s good with kids, or a dog that’s got a
gentle disposition, weighs less than 50 lbs., is good with
kids and is anything except a cocker spaniel. On the other
hand, you could go to the pet store and look or a dog that
appeals to you!
What’s the best
way to proceed? I think it depends upon your experience
and EQ, and if you’re rather new in either area, I’d suggest
some coaching. There’s a lot fo learn, and the more you
learn, the more you can make wise choices. In just about
anything in life, first you have to learn the rules. Then
you learn how to break them.
Back to the
dog analogy. After owning dogs for more years than some
of my readers have been alive, I’d go somewhere with likely
candidates and then choose a dog that appeals to me. That’s
because I’ve had a lot of experience with dogs, and I have
good intuition, an EQ competency.
Intuition is
leading from heart and suspending the intellect. Of course
I would set forth with certain intellectual parameters
in mind. I don’t want a dog that’s known to bite any more
than I’d want a date who’s known to bite!
Good intuition
allows you to suspend the intellect, which is important
in matters of the heart. For instance, I know now that
an English Spring Spaniel can make a wonderful animal companion,
and so can a Basset, a Heinz 57 and a Siberian Husky. By
the same token, I know I can enjoy a male companion with
a Ph.D., an M.A., no college but lots of smarts, or an
M.D. In other words, I don’t “rule out” on the education
(or the breed).
However, I also
know that a dog that can’t be house-broken, or one that
bites, or one that’s too abused to be able to enjoy people
isn’t a good choice, any more than a man with too much
emotional baggage, or a set of bad habits such as addiction,
is also not a good choice. I will “rule out” on those parameters.
There’s a kind
of list that works, and a kind that doesn’t. If you spend
some time doing your homework, you’ll have better luck.
Learn how to make a list that works, and develop your intuition.
Then you can date in an emotionally intelligent way.
Why be the tree
that bends so it doesn’t break? Because you might meet
someone who would be an outstanding life partner for you
who doesn’t happen to have something that’s on your list.
In other words, be flexible about your list.
Generally speaking,
you can bend on almost anything except a character or personality
trait, and you can even bend on
a personality trait if there’s enough good in the relationship.
For instance, more than one client I’ve worked with has
found out that the “boring” man they were considering turned
out to have the sort of stable, consistent personality
traits that made for a good life partner, and that a pretty
face is just another pretty face.
Look beneath
the surface and have a list that allows for what really
counts.
Good luck!
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