Finding
Your Soulmate
-
by Kenneth A. Sprang
Loves
mysteries in soules does grow. - John Donne
I have been
thinking about soulmates a lot lately. Recently a fellow
relationship coach told me the story of Heather,
a woman in her early 40’s. She has never married, though
she has had several lengthy relationships over the years.
Then late last year she met Andrew. There was something
different about Andrew. The conversations were richer,
the walks in
the park more romantic, the time together more comfortable
and more vibrant. Heather is pretty intuitive, and this
relationship felt different than any other she had
experienced. She knew
she had fallen in love and found someone with whom she
could make a life commitment.
Andrew, however, was resistant. He acknowledged that their
time together was special, that he loved Heather and that
he really felt energized being with her. But, he said to
Heather, “I don’t think you are my soulmate.” Andrew recalled
a past relationship in which he and his partner would often
find themselves simultaneously thinking the same thing.
He also said that he envisioned a “soulmate” as being very
much
like himself, thinking that such similarity would help
assure the success of the relationship.
Andrew also pointed to differences between them. He was
from the South, while Heather was from Boston. Heather’s
parents
had graduate degrees and were upper middle class, while
Andrew’s parents were working class folks. In addition,
he noted,
his company required him to relocate periodically and to
travel a lot. He feared Heather would resent those moves,
though she insisted she would not.
Despite Heather’s pleas to reconsider and her attempt to
persuade Andrew that his resistance was contradictory to
his description of their relationship, Andrew insisted
that they end their relationship, though insisting he wanted
to
remain “friends.” Heather was heartbroken and puzzled.
Did Andrew have it right—were they not really soulmates?
But
if that were true, why did her time with Andrew feel so
right. What does it really mean to “find your soulmate?”
Thomas Moore, author of Soulmates, suggests that a soulmate
is “someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though
the communicating and communing . . . between us were not
the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine
grace.” My wife and I have often referred to ourselves
as “soulmates.”
Thinking about Heather and Andrew has caused me to reflect
more on what that really means. It certainly does not mean
that we always agree—we don’t. Nor does it mean that we
are exactly alike. We’re not. What then does this elusive
term
“soulmate” mean?
I would like to suggest that there are two criteria for
a soulmate. First, a soulmate is one who shares your vision
and attitude about life and views the world “through the
same glasses” as you do. Second, a soulmate is as concerned
about your happiness and your pursuit of your life’s dreams,
as he/she is about his/her own.
As I worked through the pain, grief, and inevitable self-discovery
following the end of my first marriage of over 25 years,
I begin to realize that my first wife—a fine person with
whom I continue to enjoy a valued relationship—and I viewed
the world from a completely different perspective. I often
told the story of being with our two children on Mt. Mansfield
in Stowe, Vermont. One can drive to the peak of the mountain,
but then it must be explored on foot. One of the natural
attractions is the “Nose,” a rock formation that requires
some modest agility to climb. My daughter—10 or 12 at the
time, promptly scampered up to the crest of the nose. I
followed as far as I could go before my fear of heights
stopped me.
When we climbed down, her mother asked “Why on earth would
you climb up there?” My daughter Heidi promptly answered
“Because its there.” I understand exactly what Heidi meant,
though her mother did not. When I met my wife Carol I discovered
that she was always the first one up the mountain—“because
its there.”
I invite you to think about your vision of life and its
purposes. Where is your life leading you? What is your
purpose in life?
What to you want to be, do, and have in life? Give some
time to forming your vision or world view. Then armed with
your
vision be alert to a partner who brings a similar vision
to life. Then be aware of whether this partner is as genuinely
concerned about encouraging you to follow your dreams and
pursue your life vision, as he or she is about pursuing
his own. If you find all that, chances are you have found
your
soulmate.
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About
the Author:
Kenneth and Carol Sprang,
direct Bethesda-Chevy Chase Counseling & Consulting
in Bethesda, providing Imago Relationship Therapy, relationship
and executive coaching,
individual and couples counseling, and business consulting.
(301) 907-3377. ken@singlestosoulmates.com.
http://www.singlestosoulmates.com
