8 Keys
to Lasting Love
-
by Linda Miles
My granddaughter,
Merritt Miles, was the inspiration for this CD, 8 Keys
to Lasting Love. When
Merritt was five years
old I read a fairy tale to her and was very disturbed by
the ending, "And they lived happily ever after."
As she could not read yet, I took the liberty of changing
the ending to "They began the work of creating a
very good marriage." I didn't want Merritt to think
that marriage was so simple or that it just happened that
you lived happily every after, as so many of my clients believed.
As a marriage and family therapist for thirty years, I have
seen the pain people experience on their honeymoon when they
wake up and realize they have married a mere mortal. In creating
this CD, it is my hope that my granddaughter Merritt, as
she enters adulthood, as well as many other people, will
avoid the pitfalls and pain of those who succumb to this
"happily ever after" myth.
* Stop blaming and start living. It is your responsibility,
and not your partner's, to feel better and to heal. Your
partner will be responsible to you, but not for you. So
it's useful to ask yourself, "Why did I draw this
person into my life and what is it that I need to learn
from this instead of blaming?" A good marriage
grows you up.
* Avoid the
fixer-upper syndrome. We think we can fix up our partner
and shape them up to perfection,
our perfection.
So many people marry for potential. Never marry just
for potential.
* Made a promise
to keep integrity. Do not hold onto victim hood like a
prize. This doesn't allow
one to grow.
Work
on behaviors that make your partner want to change
by being kind and loving. Vent what you are feeling without
being
out of control.
* Eliminate
attack thoughts. These thoughts are incredibly destructive
over time. If you attack
other people and
attack yourself and your thoughts, it really interferes
with your
happiness and with your peace of mind. Learn to find
joy even in difficult times. As Mother Theresa once
said, "Our
best protection is a joyful heart."
* Do
not hold onto anger. Holding onto anger is like
drinking Drano. Turn attack thoughts into something
constructive. Think thoughts that are appreciative
of your partner
and
express them often. Build up an emotional bank
account so you have positive emotion currency when angry
times come.
* Wake up without
makeup. On soap operas I see women wake up first thing
in the morning with all
their
makeup and
false eyelashes, and that's not real. What we
need to do in a marriage is to learn to be more and
more real,
and
more and more safe to be who we truly are.
*
Wake up and make up. It is very important for couples
to learn to repair after a fight. Keep
trying to
find solutions. Do not get stuck rehashing
the past. Live
in the present,
and find ways to keep your marriage buoyant
and alive.
* If you want
to change your relationship, change yourself. Reinvent
yourself, because
you're not
going to be able
to change your partner. Learn to love in
a mature way without trying to control or manipulate.
C.S. Lewis
once said, "To
love without control or manipulation is to
be surprised by joy." You will be
truly surprised by joy when you can live
in the moment with that other person.
Copyright 2005
Dr. Linda Miles Ph.D.
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