Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
10 Signs
That It's Time To Break Up
Sometimes, good things end. That’s just the way life is. Sometimes,
bad things continue due to neglect or fear. This ISN’T the way
life should be!
I continue to tell
people, the problem isn’t that there are too many divorces –
there are too many marriages! So many people hook up with partners
that are (or become) unhealthy for them, then find that they
can’t bring themselves to break it off – sometimes out of fear
of being alone, sometimes through convincing by their friends
or family, sometimes through concern of how they will look,
sometimes through simple neglect, etc.
When should a relationship
break up? Simple: when it no longer provides benefit to one
or both partners. In other words, if you aren’t getting what
you want or need from being with someone, or if you recognize
that your partner isn’t getting what they want or need it’s
time to move on.
I’ve had some people
say to me, “Isn’t that a little selfish – what about the person
you’re dumping?” To this I answer, “How can it be good for someone
to stay with a person that doesn’t want to be with him or her?”
After all, how low does your self-esteem (let alone your self-respect)
have to be to want to do this? It is by far much healthier to
go about finding the relationship that works for you – that
gives you what you need, than to apathetically cling to something
that isn’t fulfilling. Life is too short for this, and you deserve
better.
So, how do you
know when to break off your relationship? Here are 10 signs
to watch for. Note that most people encounter one, two or more
of these things periodically. However if you’re finding that
you experience more than a few consistently – over a longer
period, it’s probably time to move on:
10. You no longer
look forward to spending time alone with your partner.
You may still have a good sex life (or not!) but actually talking
to your partner seems like a chore. If spending time alone with
your partner seems like a prison sentence you may be up for
a parole.
9. You begin comparing
your partner to others.
This is particularly true when other people seem more appealing
to you. We all find others – often those we don’t have – attractive.
If however, you find that you’re comparing specific traits –
a person’s voice, their neatness, they way they carry themselves,
etc., against others; especially things your partner can’t change
- you should re-evaluate your relationship.
8. You
criticize or “micro-manage” your partner.
If you’re always concerned that your partner’s socks aren’t
exactly right for his pants, or that she wears too much make-up,
or that he or she just can’t seem to take their responsibilities
seriously, don’t look at them – look at yourself. People that
are in love tend to look beyond minor annoyances to the bigger
picture. If you’re having trouble doing this you may want to
work on your exit plan.
7. You
start trying to change your partner.
Many people fall in love with people that excite them, but find
that this excitement isn’t good for them in the long term. On
the other hand, they may find someone “stable” that doesn’t
provide enough variety in their relationship. If you find that
you’re constantly trying to convert your partner from the person
you fell in love with, it may be time to bolt.
6. You
re-connect with ex lovers.
It’s one thing to send an ex-girlfriend a birthday card. It
is entirely another to take her out for dinner and a movie “just
to catch up”. The trick here is to be honest about your motivations.
If you had the chance to sleep with him or her, would you? Are
you looking for approval or an ego-boost from him or her? Have
you forgotten why you broke up in the first place?
5. His
or her jokes are no longer funny.
Of course, you may have heard them 1,000 times, but people in
love tend to look beyond this repetitiveness. They see that
their partner is being humorous, not how funny something is
or isn’t.
4. You’re
doing all the giving – or all the getting.
Relationships are about mutual benefit. If one partner is benefiting
over the other, the relationship isn’t healthy. This doesn’t
mean that everything should be exactly balanced. For example,
just because one partner spends $50 on a birthday present, that
the other should spend exactly that amount. Nor does it mean
that both partners should always split a dinner check. If one
person pays all the time, and the other doesn’t at least cook
a few meals, there is something wrong – and unhealthy about
the relationship.
3. You
constantly find ways to include others in your activities.
Always including others indicates that you’re not looking forward
to being alone with your partner. Of course, you need time with
your friends, but if you never have private time, or the only
time you’re alone is when you’re having sex, perhaps the problem
is in the company.
2. Your
friends no longer like being around you when you’re with
your partner.
Your friends don’t have to dislike your partner – perhaps they
don’t like what affect your partner has on YOU! Consider that
your relationship with your friends is at least as important
in the long run as your relationship with your partner. In fact,
it may be MORE important as they will see you as you really
are, and will be there even if he or she isn’t – IF you treat
them right!
1. You
no longer feel good about yourself.
At first, this seems like a strange warning sign about your
relationship, but think about how you felt when you first hooked
up with your partner. You felt great – about yourself and your
world. If this is now lacking where it was there before, you
may want to look at your relationship.
Best regards...
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Neder Relationship Advice: Main Page
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Have a love, relationship,
sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write
to me at dwneder@beingman.com
for answers. For more information about my books, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
products visit: www.beingaman.com.
Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2004-2008, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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