All My Men Are Friends!

Dear Dr. Neder,

I just read your response to someone asking about becoming a boyfriend of a women friend. I have this same dilemma as the guy in this letter except I am a woman who has fallen into the friend category several times and all very recently.

As much as people say that women control the speed of a relationship, I don't believe a woman has the power that men have to be straight forward because when we are, it scares the hell out of men, but when men are it turns a woman on.

This is the 4th time in last 3 years that I end up becoming really good friends with a guy and find myself hoping that the relationship turns into something more. Additionally I have had one relationship where started very closely resembling a serious relationship where you get along great but the commitment to a relationship was not there on his part.

In all these past cases I have come to a point where it was time to shift the focus of the friendship to another level and made it clear that I would like something more serious because I am starting to fall for the guy. Certainly there is a trend I am facing, and I think it has to do with the approach with the last guys at that critical moment.

From a guy’s perspective, what is it that changes your mind about a woman that can only be seen as a friend to someone that you can't wait to get sexual with? Am I doomed to have this platonic mesa happen to me over and over forever? Should I just give up and make sure I don't keep any guy friends I might fall for? Do all good relationships start with sexual tension from the man or is it possible to have a healthy relationship this way?

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Hello!

You're right on your first point: men are much more straight-forward than women are. We are direct with out thoughts, language and direction whereas women are much more indirect in these areas. You're also absolutely correct about that directness being a turn-on for women! I try to teach this to my students constantly.

I see at least three problems here: first, you are putting too much effort and emphasis in on the relationship itself; second, I sense that you're not picking up on the guy's sexual advances, and third you are giving too much away right from the start.

Let's deal with these in reverse order: women are usually very good at withholding the truth of their feelings from men. Men often complain about this, but in fact, also aren't usually good at dealing with a woman that isn't this way! My students are exceptions to this however, but you obviously haven't met any of them yet!

When you give away too much about your interests in them too early, they think they've already "won" you and there is no more chase. That's not a good thing for men as we are all about the chase. Interestingly, I teach my students to do this with women, but it works even better with men.

The second point is also critical. My question to you is: have you been sexual with these guys early on? If you're withholding sex from them, I can guarantee that they won't be anything more than friends with you very quickly. Men and women use sex very differently. Women use sex to create bonding an intimacy whereas men use sex (early in the relationship) to determine if they WANT to create bonding and intimacy! If you aren't being a sexual person with these guys, then all they can see is a friendship with you.

The first point; that of putting too much emphasis on the relationship (in this case "friendship"), is a huge mistake. I've written tons about this subject. Men and women don't make good friends for each other. That is a reality. Someone always comes out wanting something more. In this case, that someone is you.

If you act like someone's friend rather than someone's girlfriend, guess what he sees? Yup - a buddy. By befriending the guy, you are telling him that's exactly what you want. Further, having these guys as friends also works against you in that they become obstacles to you getting what you want. You are making friends of romantic interests rather than simply setting them free to pursue their own lives. Let's face it - you don’t' want these guys as "buddies" - that's just a consolation prize. You want something more. Focus on that something more instead of just keeping them around in your life. I call this the "Law of Vacuum" - make room in your life for what you want, by getting rid of what you don't want. Nature abhors a vacuum!

Best regards...

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