Are Women Sluts?

Dear Doc,

I'm 36 and never been married. So what's up with sex? I've been dumped twice after sexual (not always intercourse) contact with men I've really liked. One only involved heavy petting after 7 dates, and another, intercourse after 7 dates.

The most recent, a man I'm crazy about. I'm not sure we're over, I just haven't heard from him in two days. On our fourth date he pushed for heavy petting (more likely he wanted sex), and I said no. I really want our relationship to develop without sex. I want to have an emotional, spiritual connection first.

We talked about it, and he assured me he was interested in ME and my body. That's great. I feel the same way about him. For whatever reason, I caved in on our fifth date, and we had oral sex. He didn't want to climax that way and instead we masturbated together. I loved it. He spent the night and called me twice the following day before leaving town for a business trip. I haven't heard from him since. I used to get poetry via e-mail or a phone call every day.

Do men think we're sluts if we give too much sexually too soon, even though they're instigators? I think he's a loving person, and I'm afraid I've blown my chances to get to know him better.

Help!

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Hello!

No, men don't think that women are sluts if you give too much sex too soon. Only WOMEN think that way!

In fact, I have a number of concerns about your descriptions here. First, if you want to have sex with a guy, why are you telling him "no"? Let's look at that message: specifically what you're saying is that you're the one that will control sex - now and in the future. You're also telling him that you're not really a sexual person! You'll have sex with him to keep him only, but once you get him, the sex is over! Can you see that message coming through from your actions?

It may be difficult but consider that you keep holding back in exchange for something from him. Men see right though this and believe me, no man wants to commit to a sexless relationship. Men are getting smarter about these things these days. They are beginning to look at women's actions much more closely than listening to her words.

For instance, if I don't sleep with someone by the 3rd date, except in very rare cases, I move on - even if she promises sex on the 4th or 5th date! Why? Because that's not the type of relationship I'm willing to have! I'm a sexually healthy person, and I expect my partners to be healthy too - not controlling and expecting. Sex is a mutual benefit, not something one partner does for the other to keep him (or her) around.

Women mistakenly believe that by holding out for sex, it's somehow better, or means more, or something equally ridiculous. In fact what it really does is grow the expectations. Once these get that large, how can you possibly measure up?

What men really want from sex is a partner that feels the same way about it that we do! We enjoy sex for it's own sake - inside or outside of a relationship. We don't want to have to bargain for it, negotiate for it, trade away things for it, etc. This attitude comes from a sexually healthy person!

Ok, enough about sex, let's get to your second question: that of him not calling for two days.

First, he's on a business trip, and guess what's on his mind? Business. Men's focus on our work often takes precedence over everything else. This is because of the importance in our lives of needing to succeed. That doesn't mean that you're not on his mind, only that he's focused elsewhere.

Sometimes in my interviews, I make a joke about how some men wait 2 weeks to call a woman; "Two weeks? Do you know how long that is in 'girl years'?" Yes, 2 days seems like a long time to you, but not to him. I'd give him at least 4-5 days before you want to be concerned. Again, this isn't about him not being interested; it's more likely about him being focused - in fact, a very good thing!

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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