My Neighbor's Wife - Revisited

Dr. Neder:

I think you are a genius and enjoy reading your columns each week. A question, can you go more into detail about what will motivate women to have sex and/or relations outside their marriages. It is obvious to everyone that a large number of men practice infidelity on a wide scale. I also read some time ago that a growing number of women are engaging in infidelity in the last few years.

You mention that the right set of circumstances, will prompt a woman to seek extramarital sex. This also includes periods of intense ovulation as you mentioned in the article. Do you have or know of any new information on this subject. I am not involved in a relationship at this time and haven't for many years.

In some cases, I have found myself attracted to some married women. I would not push or pursue the issue because I don't want problems with their husbands. Also, to a very large extent, I respected the institution of marriage and admire people who are committed to it. A third comment is that in every action or situation in life, I strongly believe in what I call the circle of karma. Every action leads to a result or another action. The golden rule, what goes around comes around to me is very strong.

I also find it very hypocritical and have seen this myself that men have little or almost no issues in sleeping with other women than their wives, yet if wives decide to sample other men, they have a problem. If I were to go that route and hopefully I won't, I would consider political women. Most politicians are infamous philanderers, with colleagues, other women and even interns as we've seen in the last few years. I would appreciate your advice and opinion on this matter, especially in regards to new research being done. Any advice and assistance is appreciated. Thank you very much.

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Hello!

You're too kind! You'd be surprised how much of a "genius" you become by getting your head kicked in so many times!

There seems to be just a few reasons why women stray outside their marriages:

1) Evolution - specifically, there are times that women biologically seek outside partners; particularly during the times they are most fertile! This seems to be a way to mixing the genes. This isn't so important today when people have access to potentially thousands of partners, but you can imagine what it meant in early tribal societies where the bloodlines were very close.

You see, by mixing genes you improve the species greatly. One noted benefit is the ability to ward off disease. It's interesting to note that biologists are discovering that all humans are really quite close in genetic make-up. The current belief is that all 6+ billion of use came from a single "core group" of about 2,000 individuals! That's incredible when you think about it. That means that regardless of the race, we are almost absolutely identical!

Thus it begins to make sense why women seem more attracted to those outside their relationships during this time. It is nature's way of "mixing it up".

By the way, an interesting scientific point here: men seem to have evolved a way of helping their own genes to get past on to the next generation: it seems (from research) that a man's semen actually forms a plug or barrier at the cervix that lasts for a few days. This way, if his sperm are the first in, they get the best crack at the egg!

2) They're unhappy with their relationships

Women and men view relationships very differently. Little girls are filled with stories of the "Knight in Shining Armor" and the "Big, White Wedding". These images are fantasy, but few girls - or women - get over them.

In fact, they strive to make them real, and often work hard to change their partners in many ways to try to fit these ideals. Woman learn all sorts of relationship techniques such as "The Test" that I talk about so heavily in my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" and in my articles and interviews. Women also nag, cajole, recommend, push, punish, etc., etc. in attempts to make things the way they want them. Unless the man is a strong participant in the relationship, he can get run-over to the point where he just gives in. As you can imagine this doesn't make for a happy relationship!

3) They feel like they've "missed" something

Many men and woman get married very early in life. I recommend that people wait AT LEAST until they're in their thirties to get married. It is only then that I feel most people have enough experience to be married. As I keep saying, there aren't too many divorces, there are too many marriages!

So, after a number of years, both men AND women begin wondering what else may be out there - and what they may have missed. If this curiosity is great enough, they begin seeking the answer outside the marriage.

4) Ego and Self-Image

Women often tie their self-images to their relationships. Further, many of them need constant support and regular ego boosts to feel healthy. After man and woman have been in a relationship for some time, these boost become few, and some women start looking outside their relationships for them.

Actually, my article doesn't mention "intense ovulation" - it reads "any ovulation" as this is the most likely time for women to look for lovers outside their relationship.

The points you make about hypocritical men sleeping with women outside their marriage are good ones, but it's based on some very substantial science. By nature's own hand, men are NOT monogamous. Yes, I know that's not the way it SHOULD be (according to popular thought), but consider that this thought of absolute monogamy is only about 5000 years old. That is only an eye-blink in time when you consider that we've been on this planet for about 1.6 MILLION years!!!

In any animal species (man included) where there are low birth numbers, and high mortality rates, males not only produce huge amounts of sperm, but also are "motivated" to seek multiple female partners. By have sex with a number of partners, a man helps to insure that his genes are past on. This also explains the behavior all us men exhibit by turning our heads to look at a pretty woman that walks into a room.

Thus, I'm much more liberal about the idea of cheating. In fact, I don't believe necessarily that men DO cheat - it all depends on their promises to their wives. If they promise to "forsake all others" this has to have conditions. For example, these vows don't talk about divorce, their partner's infidelity, etc. What many view as "the way things should be", I view as "against the way nature intended"!

In regards to political women, I have some experience here as I'm a politician through a county commission. My experiences are that woman in political power often DON'T cheat or philander! Frankly, they are under too much constant scrutiny to be that available. Men on the other hand are substantially different as you've pointed out.

What the research is showing is that women are generally attracted to confidence and power. Frankly, these are one in the same. In fact, by even acting like you have either (or both), you're going to increase your chances with women - even married ones. Of course, not every married woman is a target, but many are.

Your points about this man's neighbor are quite accurate. I call this "dangerous prey" as it can result on all sorts of zany late-night activity! Hence, my warning in the beginning of the article.

Thanks for the great questions!

Best regards...

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