Relationship advice : Learning To Be A Man During A Breakup

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Learning To Be A Man During A Breakup

Hello Dr Dennis,

I have never written in before but have found a lot of really good things on your website. And I can completely agree with all of them. I hope you don't mind if I tell you my most recent story of being dumped.

First of all, I'm 27 and quite stable and have been properly in love maybe twice, this was the second time. I made the silly mistake this summer though of falling for someone I had hired, who has been the ideal woman for me almost since the first time I saw her in April. She split up with her fella in September just after we started seeing each other and although there is 120 miles distance between us things flourished after an initial visit from her. Yes, I was very silly going in on a rebound situation, but I really thought she was the one as we had and still do have a huge amount in common. And yes, again, the just before 3 month deadline arose and for the first time after hours of calls per day and hundreds of emails and texts she appeared to be going off me. And then dumped me over the phone after a week away together, it was really painful and it was just over a week ago.

I really want to give it a try and try to get back with her, but I reckon she's dealing with her ex deep down inside still and changing her lifestyle and I was probably just there as a comfort to her. It did become apparent that my needs were diminishing on the list of her priorities prior to being dumped. I have sent her flowers a week after the break up and had a thank you back. I haven't called her but have emailed a couple of times and sent texts which I now realise I must stop doing.

How else can I win her back, I know I have to try.

Yours, Very messed up and with lots of issues.

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Hello!

First of all, "rebound relationships" don't exist. They are a figment of an over-active media, but nothing real. This is not the cause of your problems.

What appears to be the cause however is your feminine behavior! Sending flowers to someone that just broke up with you is a classic AFC ("Average Frustrated Chump") maneuver that never, ever works. In fact, it makes you look like even more of a wuss AND you're out $50 to boot! This is also true with all the text's and phone calls.

Here's the only way to handle getting dumped: "I'm glad that you feel you've found your own direction as wrong as it is. I obviously misjudged you, but I won't make that mistake with my new girlfriend. I hope you understand that I don't want you as a 'friend', but wish you the best. Bye." Then you get up and walk out (or show her the door) and hold your stance - and your back up straight - until she begins to realize what a mistake she's made. You never look back.

Further, as soon as the door closes, you pick up your cell, and call your buddies for a get-together to get out have a few drinks and meet a few new women. Your buds will understand what you're going through, and believe me; they'll be all too willing to help.

As soon as you put up that wall, you also take back control - exactly what women want. How do I know? Because they write to me everyday and tell me. You know what else they tell me? That they DON'T want the kind of behavior you've shown.

What's interesting is that this gets women to start thinking about exactly what it is that they are breaking up from. The little boy they are breaking up with wouldn't have acted so boldly! They begin to wonder if they might have made a mistake and start back into the process of wondering who you really are.

This is the time to get all of this corrected and to move on. It's ok to make these mistakes, but it's NOT ok to continue to make them and not learn from them. That, my brother, is part of "Being a Man".

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.