Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
My Boyfriend
Doesn't Like My Father
Hello! Thank you so much for your time and attention.
I have been living with my boyfriend for about
8 months now. He doesn't like my father as according to him "my view
of men is distorted by the secretive way he (my father) acts
towards my mother". According to him my insecurities and
jealousy have a root right there and therefore he claims he "unfortunately" does
not like him. It got me thinking if my insecurities are the
only trouble there and if I was less insecure he would not
dislike my father. In other words, I'd like to know, according
to your experience and knowledge, how bad is that in a relationship
that the man does not like the girlfriend's father and how
much that fact (not liking the father) could affect the success
of a relationship. Could there be another meaning to it apart
just than blaming him for my insecurity? Is that enough of
a reason for disliking someone?
Thank you very much!
----------------------- Hello!
That seems pretty convenient on his part. He gets to blame
your dad so that he doesn't have to blame you! I'm assuming
you're an adult here and if you're this insecure, I'm afraid
your dad isn't the problem - you are.
When you become an adult, your parents have no further hold
on you. What they taught you as a child holds some weight,
but in fact, it's entirely your choices that govern your life.
If you're insecure and use that as an excuse to create problems
in your relationship, it's you that needs to get this straightened
out and it has nothing to do with your father.
In fact, it's not uncommon for couples to have problems with
parents - and vice versa. Nobody is ever good enough for their
little daughters! The reality however is that most people work
through that. Your boyfriend needs to work through that for
a number of reasons:
* It doesn't appear he really even knows your father very
well. He simply sees what he sees from an outsider's point
of view. Whether he agrees with it or not, it's none of his
damn business. Further, the relationship your mom and dad have
is between them and NOBODY (no, not even you!) really knows
what it's all about.
* Your relationship with your father is an important one.
Because it's important to you, it needs to be important to
him too.
* Your boyfriend needs to put the responsibility for the problems
where they really lay - with you. I'm not singling you out
for any problems you may (or may not!) have, I'm simply saying
that any problems a couple faces are because of the couple
themselves. Family, friends, ex-lovers, pets, etc., have no
bearing on this as only those two people control the effects
created by outside influences.
In fact, this can be quite bad; not because he doesn't like
your father for some nebulous reason (as I've already said,
the problems he has with you are simply redirected to your
father, not because of him), but because he's not dealing with
the specific issue, choosing instead to brush it off to someone
that you can't deal with.
I'm sure you dad is no saint either. We all have things we
do that are both good and bad, but before your boyfriend sits
in judgment of him, he should at least get to know him as a
friend, more than just an acquaintance. If he does that and
still doesn't like him, he doesn't have to be your dad's buddy.
On the other hand, he shouldn't be redirecting his frustrations
at dad either.
Now, care to talk about your insecurities???
Best regards...
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