In Every Ending, A New Beginning

Dear Dr. Neder:

Three days ago, I broke my engagement and am having a hard time dealing with the situation. I know the disappointment and pain is still new but my go-getter personality is getting somewhat annoyed with my constant crying.

My ex-fiancé and I were together a little over a year and we've had rocky times before but this time is different. We have had a long-distance relationship for the majority of it most of it and had planned on moving in together in June. You see, I had quit my job, signed a lease on a house in another state, and spent thousands of dollars to get licensed to be with him.

Things were fine (or so I thought) until I signed the lease on the house. He started acting strangely - not calling me every night as usual and when he did call me he needed to go running at 10:30pm in the busy city. He was becoming distant. I questioned him about it and even accused him of cheating resulting in him becoming annoyed - he considered it nagging. Finally I asked him the hard question, "What's going on?" That was when I found out that he was second-guessing the relationship and felt as if he was putting in 20% while I was putting in 110%.

The relationship was a one-way street. The only thing that bugs me is why can't I just let go and move on. It's not like the same fears and thoughts haven't invaded my mind at least once in the past year. Please help me find peace. I know I'm probably rushing the healing process but the thought of spending 3 months of my life moping is not appealing to me right now. I do want to stay friends with him but just not now. Can you please help me with that also?

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Hello!

Let's deal with the friends issue first. I strongly advise you against trying to remain friends with him. There are a number of reasons behind this including the fact that men and women don't make good buddies for each other. even more important is the fact that as friends, you're simply going to be prolonging the hurt for both of you. Further, what happens when one of you finds someone new and the new person isn't happy with you or him being friends with their ex-fiancé?

On to the hurt issue.

Consider that it's only been 3 days. As you've mentioned, this isn't much time to get over everything. Worse, you've already begun creating your life together with signing the lease on the house, getting ready to move, quitting your job, etc. Being depressed is exactly how you should feel right now!

On the other hand, you can start to healing process using a psychological tool called "reframing" to create a different image of the situation in your mind. To do this, you need to look at everything differently. Instead of seeing the ending of the relationship, start to force yourself to see the beginning of your freedom and your new life. Start allowing yourself to get excited about being in a new city and making all sorts of new friends. You'll have new opportunities, new challenges for growth, etc.

Every time you start to imagine the hurt or loss, stop yourself and say, "No, I don't choose to see it that way! I'm looking forward to [fill in the blank]!" But, you've got to do this every time - be consistent. What you're really doing is programming your mind for the change and helping it get ready to recognize the opportunities.

With every ending, there really is a new beginning!

Best regards...

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