The Boyfriend, The Baby & The Breakup

My boyfriend recently broke up with me. His reasons seem pointless and not worth losing a good relationship over.

I'm five months pregnant with his child and out of the blue he decides to break up with me because, in his words, "the house isn't always clean", or "I don't always do the things he asks me to do for him", and because he feels that I am becoming a lot like into his ex-girlfriend.

I love this guy more then anything and I know in his heart he still loves me, but I've done almost everything I can to salvage this relationship and he just won't give in. A few days after he broke up with me I went out with a few friends to a party. I didn't drink or smoke or anything of that sort and came home about midnight. He got mad at me for it! Just the other night I was talking to him, trying to work things out and he said, "Well, if you would have come home the other night and not have gone out with your friends then maybe we could have worked things out."

It sometimes feels like he is messing with my mind! I don't know what to think anymore. I love him dearly and will do anything to make it work.

Please help me!

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Hello!

Where do I begin here?

First: what the HELL are you thinking? What are you doing pregnant and unmarried? Think about this: there is nothing more selfish than bringing a child into the world. After all, the child didn't ask to be born! It's YOU that makes that decision. And by not preventing the pregnancy, and deciding to keep the child despite the situation you're in, you're just carrying that selfishness to a new level. It's hard enough to raise a kid with two parents.

Because of this, you owe that child EVERYTHING. That includes a stable, loving family in which to grow up. You didn't mention how old you are, but you've got some decisions to make here. Just because your body can make a baby doesn't make you a fit mother! Further, it appears that your boyfriend isn't going to be there for you and your child.

Regarding him, here's the bottom line: you can't MAKE him do anything he doesn't want to. It sounds like he doesn't want to be a father. I don't care what he's told you - a man that's excited about the birth of his child is involved and a part of the process. Further, he'd be asking you to marry him because he'd want custody and control of the family. It appears that none of this is happening, and just because you want it to, won't make it so.

Thus, you're going to have to look ahead and start thinking about how you're going to support this child. What are you going to do to make ends meet? How (and where) are you going to have the baby? You've got a lot of education in front of you and you'd better get started. Also, I wouldn't count on him to help much, if at all.

That includes NOT going out until midnight partying with your friends! At 5 months, the child is formed and growing. The baby's health is limited by your own. Most doctors recommend that you spend at least 2 years getting yourself in shape to carry a baby. Then, you're expected to treat that new life like the precious diamond it can grow up to be. So, why would you want to keep it out until midnight partying with a bunch of people it doesn't even know?

This probably isn't the response you were looking for. But, my concern is no longer for you - you've made your mistakes and you have to live by their consequences. My concern is for the baby you seem committed to carrying to term.

Your boyfriend has financial obligations to the child - but not to you. You also have obligations and your focus should be only on that. If he doesn't want to be part of you or your baby's life you can't make him, but you CAN start dealing with this huge responsibility properly.

Regarding the relationship, you need to get his commitment nailed down. What role (if any) is he going to play in the child's life? Of course, I'd HOPE that he loves you and the baby and would want to be a father. But, from your description, this doesn't sound like it's the case. If he's breaking up with you and you can't convince him to stay you're just going to have to accept the fact that you're going to be a single mother.

Probably the best way to change things (if you want to keep this baby) is to start being a mother! Stop being so selfish and focus on your child's needs. Perhaps that is what your boyfriend expects of you, and if so, he's right. Many women get pregnant and decide to keep their babies as a way to "lock in" a man. That is a very, very poor choice.

You've made a bunch of serious mistakes here, and I hope you realize the magnitude of your decisions from this point on. Change the focus from yourself - your need to be with your friends, your need to be a mother, your need to have this guy in your life, and put it where it belongs: with your child and it's needs. I hope this all works out well with your boyfriend, but don't expect it to. You should start rallying your allies: your parents, your friends, your medical professionals, etc., and getting the help you're going to need as you progress.

The baby deserves no less than your full attention - now or in the future.

Best regards...

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