The Bureaucrat and the Girlfriend

Dear Dennis,

Five years ago, I hired this bright, good looking employee. She delivered her results well, and soon moved to an assistant manager position through department assessments. All through, I heard of her 'negativity' and 'attitude', from female managers, and felt this may be female rivalry over her quick ascent and no help she's getting. I held a one-on-one session with her to provide her the feedback and suggest corrective action she could take. She assured me of actions, and also thanked me for the constructive criticism and support.

A few months later, I left that company and moved. That's when it started - calls seeking professional guidance & help, then courtesy calls etc, since she claimed the managers in office were after her job, and asked if I could hire her. Long and short of it was, I hired her into my new company, even though I was cautioned about her attitude by the HR manager.

Regardless, she was soon moving up, though now she started some controlling behavior with me - at times contradicting me etc. I did not really care much, because I'm as it is quite a dry, tough manager and I found her ability to tell me honestly why she doesn't agree with me helpful. We work well together, however our relationship is now much worse - she says she loves me, and treats me in blow hot-blow cold ways.

A few months ago, at an office party, she asked me to drop her home, and on the way, we had wonderful sex at her initiative. After a few months of glorious adolescent sex, we both mutually agreed to hold off on sex. Her behavior towards me became even worse while she continued to excel on all work requirements. She became quite autocratic, even snapping at me a few times in public. People started talking, and so I left that company too, and moved to another city. However, the relationship (??) continued - she calls constantly and says I'm the one she loves, though she is sleeping with a guy who was her live-in partner earlier, and is now back. She says she doesn't want him, but me, and at times blows up at me and soon after calls me with apologies and says she is inordinately stressed out.

I looked inside myself, and realized I do love her, but her dismissive treatment to me, made me wonder if this is just a fantasy, and if it had any chances of working out. To settle my discomfort, and to help her with her career potential, I flew down to meet and talk to her, and set the focus right. However, she avoided meeting me on the 3 days I was there, claiming she was caught up in work. After I left, she called me late at night, to apologize and restated that she loved me. Not only that, she insists on 'helping' me by giving my number to headhunters.

This is driving me nuts - I genuinely care about her professional and personal development and for the loyalty she's shown me. However, a mentoring relationship has tuned sour, and I do not want either of us to be harmed. We both are in a negative and destructive pattern, and I need advice and help with this. Is it better for me to break off cruelly and completely? Does she really love me - with all the blow hot, blow cold talk and actions - as I do not have anyone in my life? More importantly, how can I help her in a constructive way, so that both of us can move ahead?

Thanks!

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Hello!

Something you probably don't know is that her abusive reactions to you personally and professionally were very likely due to you being a bureaucrat instead of bringing strong, masculine (sexual) energy to your relationship with her. Frankly, this is a pretty common reaction. It takes a number of forms such as the one you're experiencing, nagging, constant challenges and a thing I call "The Test", but whatever the result, we can usually track it right back to the lack of masculine energy.

The one thing I don't see here is what you want. You've told me all the facts in a rather cold, specific, bureaucratic way, but I don't see you or your wants in here at all. This is also exactly what she's reacting to. You seem willing to run away from the problems rather than confronting them head-on and dealing with them from the point of your own needs. If you want to build something with her show some emotion already! Give her something to work with, but be comfortable directing whatever that is. You don't have to run your relationship like a department. You can craft it to fit exactly what you want by giving her what she needs. That masculine energy I spoke of early is exactly this!

First, you decide exactly what you want and then you tell her so. This is your right - and position - as the male in the relationship. Do you know the difference between discipline and punishment? If not, go look them up. The subtle difference is an important key here. She wants you to structure things and "correct" those that don't match your clear, specific goals for your relationship with her. The reason for this is simple: women want to feel love, but in order to feel love they have to first feel safe and secure. Bureaucracy is cold, but leadership is warm and sometimes even fuzzy. On the other hand, if you're goal is simply to solve this problem and move on, you need to lay that on the line instead. Tell her that you're no longer available to her and to stop calling or texting or emailing or whatever. In either case, know specifically what you want and be clear about communicating it.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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