Can You "Love" If You Don't Like"?

Hi Dr. Dennis,

Hoping you can lend some advice on this for me! I had been dating a girl I attend school with for the last six months. Unfortunately we were both at different places, she wasn't ready for a serious relationship and I was all too ready. We tried to take it slow but ended up damaging each other with fighting, insecurity and harsh words.

In the end, there was love in there somewhere but not a lot of respect or even 'liking'. We went through a series of breakups and finally decided to just be friends and eliminate the stress and pressure of trying to maintain this dysfunctional relationship. We have been spending time together as friends.

In fact she calls almost every day, even days that we see each other in classes. The fun is coming back, the stress feels a little lighter and this is only after two weeks or so! The problem is, I am stuck being her friend and I still love her! She knows this as I've told her, she wasn't quite as deeply involved emotionally as me and now feels that I'm 'needy' simply cause I fell for her (and told her...oops).

She doesn't feel any sexual desire for me. Honestly, she must still be quite hurt and confused from our fighting so I don't expect her too. She is content to be friends as she said she feels comfortable again, no pressure. She says sometimes she wants to kiss me or touch me but isn't sure what would be ok, for her own good as well as mine.

Can this work out? We are so fun and alive together and work well together but she is not available emotionally or sexually for a relationship due to the damage. Will we be able to rebuild an intimate relationship through a friendship? Even if she is wary? I'm in love with this girl and want it to work out!

Thanks so much for your help and kind advice!

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Hello!

Yes, this is an unadvertised aspect of dating - you can be in love with someone without actually liking him or her!

You're going to have to make a decision here - what do you want from this girl - a friendship or a relationship (including sex)? I'm sorry my brother, you can't have both.

Depending on what you want, you're going to have to go about things differently. Let's look at the friendship option first:

Why would she want to be your friend? This is an important question to get answered right away. Consider this: by being your friend, and knowing that you're in love with her - she holds all the cards! She doesn't want a sexual relationship with you right now, but she can keep you on the hook as long as she wants. Further, she is completely free to date (and sleep with) anyone she wants because, after all, you're just "friends".

Later if she decides that she wants sex with you again, she just has to call and she knows you'll be on her doorstep like a panting puppy. The other benefit she has by being your "friend" is that she can call you anytime (like she already does) and she knows she has someone to go out with on a Saturday night if she wants an ego boost or just needs someone to entertain her. You'll be that guy with the big red nose and floppy shoes with just a phone call from her! Additionally, if she has a light bulb that needs to be replaced, needs a ride somewhere, wants some help with something, she's got you to call; her "friend".

Here's a fact you'd better get in your mind right now: Women don't make good "friends" for men; they simply become "sexless boyfriends";

Here's another: When women hold all the cards, they know it and they don't respect the men over whom they hold them.

Here one more: Women need to respect the men they date.

And one last one: Women don't want to be chased by men - they want to DO the chasing!

My brother, these aren't my rules - they were here when I arrived.

Now, if you're interested in a relationship with this woman, you're going to have to change your strategy entirely. Bear with me here - I give this advice to a lot of men, and it consistently works (if anything will!) Here's what you're going to have to do to have any future possibility with this woman:

Get scarce

When I say "scarce", I mean don't return her phone calls for at least a few days, don't pick up the phone - especially on weekends - that's what voice mail is for, and get yourself out there and get some phone numbers!

Here's the gig: by getting yourself busy, not only will you break the depression of sitting around wondering why she won't sleep with you, but by not being available to her, you instantly give yourself "value" in her eyes. Remember those rules? She wants to chase YOU - not the other way around. If she begins to think you're moving on, she's going to start putting greater emphasis on you and YOUR needs - after all, she wants to win here. All you're doing is giving her what she wants!

You might want to enlist the help of your friends. Let them know what you're up to and see if they can work with you. As I've said in many articles, if you take care of your friends, they will be there when you need them most - like right now.

When you DO call her back, or see her, keep it brief and to the point. It's much better (for you) to end a conversation yourself rather than trying to keep her on the line. Leave HER wanting more. In fact, you really don't want to initiate any calls. Try to always be the one RETURNING the calls - this give YOU back the control. Then, when you return her calls (a few days later), ask what she wants. She may say something like, "Well, I just wanted to see you - I miss you." (A very good sign by the way). Then, say, "Ok, when did you want to get together, and what do you want to do?" Make HER do the work here.

By doing this, you're creating great value for yourself in her eyes. Further, when you DO get together with her, make sure it's not just to go out and see a movie (like "buddies"). Be sure to kiss her, hold her hand - basically all the things you'd do on a date. You might make some moves toward the bedroom too. If she gives you any resistance to this, just turn and say, "Well, ok - I've got to go." And then leave!

After doing this a few times (if it's even necessary), she may say, "Are you just interested in me for sex?" To which you can tell her, "No, but sex IS a part of a mature relationship between men and woman." (If you don't feel comfortable saying this to her, tell her I said so!), "If you're not interested in a mature relationship, I'm not interested either." The point of all this is to keep HER on the run. She'll love you for it by the way. But you've got to get this started right away. Once you fall into the "Friend Zone" it is very, very difficult to get out!

I strongly suggest that you pick up a copy of my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" and commit it to memory. You've made a number of grave mistakes here that may actually prevent you from EVER putting things back together with her. If you're going to at all you're going to need some new tools; what I call "male philosophy". Further, you're going to need some new tools for your future. Neither you nor I want you to ever have to go through this again!

Best regards...

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