Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
We’re Not
Communicating!
Hello,
My boyfriend and
I seem to speak a completely different language. For instance,
during a recent altercation, I did not understand that his "What?!"
was supposed to mean "I am open to your suggestion"
as he tells me it was supposed to mean when his tone of voice
said the opposite.
Likewise, he interpreted;
"I feel lonely sometimes when you spend so much time doing
X" as "This is what you are doing wrong now"
and not that I had feelings about something, and wanted some
reassurances from him. To make matters worse, we have both been
emotionally beaten-up pretty badly in our prior relationships,
and tend to automatically revert to what phrases, actions, etc.,
used to mean.
What do we do to
keep from inadvertently sabotaging our love?
========================
Hello!
Communications
between men and women are often very difficult because we communicate
in different ways. Usually one person is very direct and specific
(with the other trying to "read into" what they are
saying - an obvious mistake), and the other uses implication
and inference (with the other person assuming they are being
direct and specific). You can easily see why these communication
issues arise.
This is the same thing you're experiencing with your boyfriend.
You are saying one thing to mean another; and yes, I understand
that YOU know what you mean, but don't assume that he does!
Likewise, when your boyfriend says something, don't assume that
he's implying something, or try to read into it things that
aren't there - regardless of the inflection he gives to it!
Here are some other important keys to communicating:
1) Listen intently and don't interrupt. When you jump in and
try to finish someone's sentence, you'll never really know what
they were about to say - you're making assumptions.
2) Stay on-topic.
Don't try to throw everything in the mix all at once. Stay to
one point - and one point only!
3) Repeat back
to him what you heard in your own language. Make sure it's what
he is saying and then respond ONLY AFTER confirming with him
that you heard his meaning.
4) When you respond,
be direct and specific to HIS point. Don't come back with things
like, "Well, YOU said..." or "YOU did..."
as excuses for your own misbehavior!
5) Realize that
arguing in a relationship is a chance to improve it and learn
even more about your partner. You’ll never grow as much as when
you’re fighting, (although, be careful about too much of this
type of growth!)
6) Get him to agree
to these rules and do them himself.
Learning to listen - really listen - to someone else is one
of the most difficult skills to learn, but trust me, it's also
one of the most important if you want to keep a relationship
healthy and growing.
Best regards...
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to me at dwneder@beingman.com
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a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
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