Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
Turning
Down a "Friend" Who Wants You
Hey Doc:
I had a friend that is very important to me ask me out. I
told him he was important, but just a friend.
I didn't say "yes" to him because
mostly I've been thinking about a couple of other guys, one
in particular, that
I want to go out with. They seemed to have shown signs that
they might like me. One stares at me; smiles when I smile,
always is asking me questions, which he doesn't really do with
other people. The other I'm still looking into. (He held my
hand longer than he should have when shaking a few times, for
no reason, because he doesn't do that with other people.)
I didn't want to ruin our friendship (I didn't explain that
however because he didn't seem too upset).
And then there is this other good friend that likes me, but
I have no idea when he'll say something. I don't think I like
him, but more of how he treats me and that he likes me. I don't
know how I can say no to him, because he likes me a lot and
it would hurt me hurting him.
I've never seemed to have this many guys interested me at
one time (and I may not be mentioning them all). So I'm a little
naive even though I'm almost 21.
Anyways, was I right in saying no to my one friend, possibly
b/c of other guys?
----------------------- Hello!
Let's start with a little reality here: you don't have any
true male friends. What you have is guy(s) that want to date
you but that are totally clueless on how to make anything happen
with you. So, they become your friend, treat you really well,
buy you dinners, give you gifts, listen to you when you're
down and mopy and hope that you'll just somehow fall in love
with them, do all their work for them and they won't have to
take any risks of being rejected by you.
I'm sorry, that's the truth. It's better that
you get this straight in your head right now than to continue
along this
path thinking that things are otherwise, only to have to continue
to hurt a bunch of "friends" down the road. You and
I understand the difference, but, unfortunately, these guys
don't. I suggest you give them my email address and website
and have them contact me so that we can get them straightened
out on all of this too.
As to whether it's "right" to turn down your friend?
Well, frankly, if you're not attracted to him, what else are
you going to do? Are you going to just start throwing him "pity
dates" which will eventually lead to "pity sex" and
maybe even a "pity marriage"??? Of course not.
The best answer is to realize up front why these guys want
to be your friend rather than to assume that they're so fascinated
by your stunning personality that they want to pal up; but
in a case like this, you have to nip that in the bud after
the fact.
Just as you wouldn't cut a dog's tail off piece
by piece, you shouldn't do that to your friend(s) either.
Make it clear
that you have no romantic interest in him/them and that they
need to look elsewhere. Stringing them along is cruel and prevents
them from meeting someone that they might have a chance with.
If you're really a "friend" however, you could become
a "wing-woman" for these guys, but that's an entirely
different discussion.
Best regards...
> Home > Dr.
Neder Relationship Advice: Main Page
- - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - -
Have a love, relationship,
sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write
to me at dwneder@beingman.com
for answers. For more information about my books, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
products visit: www.beingaman.com.
Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2004-2008, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
|
