I'm Falling for a (Somewhat) Older Man

Hi Dennis,

A month ago I met an amazing man; handsome, in-shape, caring, respectful, educated, and with a thriving career. I love spending time with him, and get butterflies in my stomach whenever I think about him. My main problem is that he is 9 years older than me. I know this may not seem like much of an age gap, but there are some apparent difference between a 24 year old woman and a man in his 30's. I think he enjoys my youthful spirit, looks, and personality, however, I often get the feeling he views me as a little girl. I understand him. I am the youngest in my family and am used to being babied. However, I am an adult. I hold a Bachelor in Business; have a steady career, and an apartment.

I really like this guy. I guess my main question is: "how can I show him that I am mature enough to embark on a steady relationship without sacrificing my age and all that surrounds it?" I have never been on of those crazy 20 year olds who go clubbing all night long and have multiple one night stands. However, I am young and enjoy going dancing and having fun with friends. I have tried to make this clear to him, and as a result have held off on most things sexual. I live in one of the most pretentious cities in the USA where most girls are 'party girls' and I don't want him to think I am "that type" of girl, but I do not want him to think I am a prude either. How can I make this distinction? And when is it acceptable for me to move things to the next level? I have seen him every weekend for the past 4 weeks.

Since he is in his 30's, I think he is looking for something a bit more serious. He has mentioned that he wants a big family. I know he wants to settle down within the next couple of years. I would love for me to be the lucky girl. How do I get him to take me seriously? Any advice?

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Hello!

Do you get the feeling that he views you as a little girl because he treats you like this or because of your own insecurities?

Here's the reality: by holding off being sexual (in effect, artificially manipulating sex between you), you're proving to him that you're still a child. If you're sexually attracted to him, yet you're holding back because of some dumb belief that he'll see you as loose or promiscuous, you're proving to him the exact thing you don't want him to believe about you. Further, you're insuring that he's going to move on and find someone that knows better.

I see this sort of nonsense all the time from women. You carry - and continue to perpetuate - some really dumb and even dangerous beliefs about men! This is a great example of one of them: "If I sleep with him too early, he'll think I'm a slut and won't respect me."

I've met extremely few Western men in the last 20 years that actually feel this way. Go on and believe it if you want to, but don't be surprised when this guy goes and finds someone that knows better - not necessarily older, but more emotionally and sexually mature.

In effect, you're insulting an entire gender with this ridiculous belief! The vast majority of men see women that are comfortable expressing their sexualities as "sophisticated" and "mature", not party girls or sluts. It's time to update your victorian education to a modern one - and to stop listening to any woman that tells you differently. I've even seen so called "experts" on this board recommend this stupid bullshit!

Here's another thing you need to understand about how men are wired: early sex means something different to us than it does to you. Whereas you use sex to build closeness, intimacy and bonding, men use early sex to determine if we WANT TO get close, intimate and bond. We don't make that decision until AFTER we've have our physical selves addressed within the context of dating! Go back and re-read that until it really sinks in because the next thing I'm going to tell you is going to shock you if you really understand that first point.

Here's the second, more shocking fact: we have a "shelf life" or a "window of opportunity" built right into us. Here's what that means: During the early part of dating, we're thinking all sorts of things about you (just as you are with us.) We're trying to build a picture of just how you fit in our lives and vice versa. The problem is that if we go too long without including the sexual piece of that puzzle, we'll just give up on you and put the puzzle away - and you along with it. Sure, we'll still sleep with you, but you'll no longer have access to our hearts and emotions.

The problem with this is that every guy's "window" stays open for a different length of time - and you can't possibly know how long that is! After a month of dating, you may already be past your guy's window! If he only sees you as a potential bed partner now, you're never going to get what you want with him. In effect, by trying to artificially manipulate sex between you (assuming you want to have sex with him in the first place) you may have just shot yourself in the foot!

We have to get past all of this stigma surrounding sex and start to see it as part of the integration process with any healthy relationship. Knowing if you're sexually compatible is a key element to the survival of the relationship and by holding off, you're simply telling him that you're scared, unsophisticated and manipulative - not strategic! Do you understand the difference?

More important, here you are trying to build a strong emotional foundation for a future relationship and to create all these complicated emotions in him and then denying him the one thing that would help him to internalize those emotions - sex. Guess what will happen when he meets some other women that knows better and actually sleeps with him? Answer: he's going to take all those emotions and invest them in HER, NOT YOU!

No man is going to opt for a sexless relationship, leading to a sexless marriage. All you're doing is proving to him that's what he can expect with you.

For an obviously-smart girl, these are some pretty dumb choices in my opinion!

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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