The Cheating Girlfriend

Hi Doc,

I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half now and we're both 18. She told me last night that she had cheated on me while on holiday recently. She said a guy kissed her, while she was drunk, and she only realized after a few seconds what was happening and stopped it. I couldn't believe it as she has been faithful up until then and we get on really well and generally don't fall out too often. I have no idea what to do, I love her. I trusted her completely so hearing this was a huge shock to me and I don't know whether I can trust her again. Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

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Hello!

You actually have a lot of different issues at play here.

First of all, kissing isn't cheating. It's just kissing and it's no big deal - really! She's going to kiss people and if you're going to get all bent out of shape over a kiss, you need some real work.

Unfortunately, you really don't know if it's just kissing or not! She has told you this, but again, you really don't know the facts since you weren't there. What was in her heart at the time? Was she just caught up in the moment of having fun and wanted to share it with someone or was she really attracted to this guy or ...?

The fact is, you don't know what was going on. Thus, you can't be sure how to react to it. Here's the reality: whether it was just an innocent kiss or whether it was more isn't the real issue. What is the issue is that the act itself was disrespectful to you and your relationship. You need to understand the difference so you can deal with the right thing.

One more point about trust. You seem to think that your trust is based on what someone else does or doesn't do. That's not what trust is at all. Trust is something you have for YOURSELF regardless of what someone else does. For a better understanding of this, go to my website (http://beingaman.com), click on BAM TV and watch the short video on Trust.

The thing you have to realize is that your own level of trust is the issue here - not her actions. If this would have happened to me, I'd have said, "I'm sorry to hear that you have so little respect for me and our relationship that you'd do something like this or even allow it to happen in the first place. It changes things for me quite a bit to know you feel this way. I've misjudged you and that's my mistake. I won't misjudge you again however. Where we go from here is entirely up to you. I'm going to start looking for someone that DOES respect me and my relationship with them right away. I'll still see you but if I find that girl before you can convince me otherwise, just know that I'm not hanging around simply because I deserve better."

Do you see the difference in that speech and attitude from one of being a victim? It's entirely different, don't you agree? It puts her on notice that she has to start working to rebuild things. I'm even giving her a chance to do so, but it's not at all based on what she says - it's based entirely on her actions.

Get your own attitude in check here and stop putting your level of trust into someone else's hands. Further, take back the control of your respect. You deserve that from someone that claims to love you.

Best regards...

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