Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
The Cheating
Girlfriend
Hi Doc,
I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half now
and we're both 18. She told me last night that she had cheated
on me while on holiday recently. She said a guy kissed her,
while she was drunk, and she only realized after a few seconds
what was happening and stopped it. I couldn't believe it as
she has been faithful up until then and we get on really well
and generally don't fall out too often. I have no idea what
to do, I love her. I trusted her completely so hearing this
was a huge shock to me and I don't know whether I can trust
her again. Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
--------------------------- Hello!
You actually have a lot of different issues at play here.
First of all, kissing isn't cheating. It's just kissing and
it's no big deal - really! She's going to kiss people and if
you're going to get all bent out of shape over a kiss, you
need some real work.
Unfortunately, you really don't know if it's just kissing
or not! She has told you this, but again, you really don't
know the facts since you weren't there. What was in her heart
at the time? Was she just caught up in the moment of having
fun and wanted to share it with someone or was she really attracted
to this guy or ...?
The fact is, you don't know what was going on. Thus, you can't
be sure how to react to it. Here's the reality: whether it
was just an innocent kiss or whether it was more isn't the
real issue. What is the issue is that the act itself was disrespectful
to you and your relationship. You need to understand the difference
so you can deal with the right thing.
One more point about trust. You seem to think that your trust
is based on what someone else does or doesn't do. That's not
what trust is at all. Trust is something you have for YOURSELF
regardless of what someone else does. For a better understanding
of this, go to my website (http://beingaman.com), click on
BAM TV and watch the short video on Trust.
The thing
you have to realize is that your own level of trust is the
issue here - not her actions. If
this would have happened
to me, I'd have said, "I'm sorry
to hear that you have so little respect for me and our relationship
that you'd do
something like this or even allow it to happen in the first
place. It changes things for me quite a bit to know you feel
this way. I've misjudged you and that's my mistake. I won't
misjudge you again however. Where we go from here is entirely
up to you. I'm going to start looking for someone that DOES
respect me and my relationship with them right away. I'll still
see you but if I find that girl before you can convince me
otherwise, just know that I'm not hanging around simply because
I deserve better."
Do you see the difference in that speech and attitude from
one of being a victim? It's entirely different, don't you agree?
It puts her on notice that she has to start working to rebuild
things. I'm even giving her a chance to do so, but it's not
at all based on what she says - it's based entirely on her
actions.
Get your own attitude in check here and stop putting your
level of trust into someone else's hands. Further, take back
the control of your respect. You deserve that from someone
that claims to love you.
Best regards...
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