How to Buy a Date from a Co-Worker

Dear Doc:

I like this girl at work. Our work is not related but we work in the same office. She is 12 years younger than me and I hold a senior position.

Knowing all the stuff about sexual harassment all I did for the last 7-8 months was just look at her. She would look back and we would just exchange looks but not smiles. We eventually met for a conference and started to talk. Now, we talk whenever we can and seem to have so much to talk about - all personal, nothing related to work. We shared zodiac signs, talked about food, clothes, shopping, etc.

I couldn't hold back and finally asked her to dinner. She thought a bit and agreed after she came back from her holiday. Last week her relative died and I told her that I would always be there for her - always. She blushed red; fighting tears in her eyes she said thanks.

She is taking a trip to London this week and I was thinking of gifting her a theatre ticket because she likes these types of things. My first question is: is that ok for me to give her the ticket as she said that she would love to see that show?

Second: she is living with a guy as they both are new in the city and they work in the same office but different departments. I'm not sure if he her boyfriend or just a roommate. I asked around and people only know them as roommates. She is going with him to London but then she goes out with her group of guys. How do I tell her that I really like her? She smiles at me whenever we pass by and when ever we get a chance I make a move to talk with her and we then talk a lot. She also told me that I should not worry if she does not respond to my looks as she is sometimes on a different planet.

She is extremely good looking and I really have fallen for her. I have been divorced for 7 years and have kept out of relationships so far. I could not hold back on her. Please help me and tell what to do next.

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Hello!

No. Absolutely not. No way. Don't do it. DO NOT give her that ticket to the show!

First of all, what you're trying to do is to buy her affection - and she's completely and totally aware of it. You've already given far too much by saying that you're "...always there for her..." Really? And exactly what context is THAT given in? Answer: (and yes, she knows this now) you want to get into her panties.

Ash, context is power and power is everything in dating and relationships. What you're doing is giving away your power to her for free. Your position as her superior is a very important part of your interaction with her and gives her something to earn. When you give it away to her it has only as much value as she pays for it. Since she pays nothing for your concern and has invested nothing to get it (other than batting her eyes at you a few times) guess what it's worth to her? Nothing.

Further, she knows damn well why you're doing this! If she gets the sense that she can just throw you a few looks here and there and get theatre tickets out of you, she's going to see you as a weak loser that she can manipulate. After all, if you had any skills or value, you'd never have to try to buy her in the first place.

My rule: NEVER give gifts (especially of any monetary or emotional value) until you've seen her naked. Let's face it - isn't that really where you want to go with this? Of course it is. Relationships are built on give and take - not give and give. What you're trying to build is obligation on her part. Women see right through this.

With regards to the roommate - assume he's her boyfriend and not just a roommate. What's likely happening is that they've been together for quite some time and thus, he's no longer investing in her and the relationship. She's feeling ignored and craves male attention, the along comes Ash. She gets your attention, doesn't have to earn it in anyway; let alone, reciprocate and that just boosts her sagging ego. She thinks that she must really be something for some guy to spew all of this attention and lavish gifts all over her in a vein attempt to get something back.

Do you see what you're doing here?

What you need to do is to STOP investing anything and start demanding some reciprocation! She's never going to love you back if you don't expect it from her.

The very first thing I'd do is to find out what the roommate thing is all about. If she tells you it's nothing serious, pin her down by saying, "Good, then you're available to start dating." If you don't make it absolutely clear as to your goals, she's going to continue to milk this as long as she can. Eventually, you'll lose if you continue along this path. Trust me on this - I've seen it so many times I can't begin to tell you!

Next, start giving ONLY based on what you get FIRST. You see, YOU are the prize here - and older, more accomplished, more powerful man. Those are the attributes that make you desirable in her eyes. Exploit them! Over time, her looks will fade, but you're going to get MORE accomplished and MORE powerful. If you give all of that away for nothing, it's worth nothing to her and she'll keep looking around for someone that knows better - while appreciatively accepting everything you give her. When he comes along, she'll continue to accept - and she'll also use you as an "emotional tampon" by telling you how this other guy (that she can't keep her hands off) abuses her emotionally; but that she just can't seem to quit him because HE knows what she needs.

Thus my rule: NEVER fall in love with anything or anyone until AFTER you own it or them.

Best regards...

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