Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
How to
Buy a Date from a Co-Worker
Dear Doc:
I like this girl at work. Our work is not related but we work
in the same office. She is 12 years younger than me and I hold
a senior position.
Knowing all the stuff about sexual harassment all I did for
the last 7-8 months was just look at her. She would look back
and we would just exchange looks but not smiles. We eventually
met for a conference and started to talk. Now, we talk whenever
we can and seem to have so much to talk about - all personal,
nothing related to work. We shared zodiac signs, talked about
food, clothes, shopping, etc.
I couldn't hold back and finally asked her to dinner. She
thought a bit and agreed after she came back from her holiday.
Last week her relative died and I told her that I would always
be there for her - always. She blushed red; fighting tears
in her eyes she said thanks.
She is taking a trip to London this week and I was thinking
of gifting her a theatre ticket because she likes these types
of things. My first question is: is that ok for me to give
her the ticket as she said that she would love to see that
show?
Second: she is living with a guy as they both are new in the
city and they work in the same office but different departments.
I'm not sure if he her boyfriend or just a roommate. I asked
around and people only know them as roommates. She is going
with him to London but then she goes out with her group of
guys. How do I tell her that I really like her? She smiles
at me whenever we pass by and when ever we get a chance I make
a move to talk with her and we then talk a lot. She also told
me that I should not worry if she does not respond to my looks
as she is sometimes on a different planet.
She is extremely good looking and I really have fallen for
her. I have been divorced for 7 years and have kept out of
relationships so far. I could not hold back on her. Please
help me and tell what to do next.
------------------------------ Hello!
No. Absolutely not. No way. Don't do it. DO NOT give her that
ticket to the show!
First of
all, what you're trying to do is to buy her affection - and
she's completely and totally aware
of it. You've already
given far too much by saying that you're "...always there
for her..." Really? And exactly what context is THAT given
in? Answer: (and yes, she knows this now) you want to get into
her panties.
Ash, context is power and power is everything in dating and
relationships. What you're doing is giving away your power
to her for free. Your position as her superior is a very important
part of your interaction with her and gives her something to
earn. When you give it away to her it has only as much value
as she pays for it. Since she pays nothing for your concern
and has invested nothing to get it (other than batting her
eyes at you a few times) guess what it's worth to her? Nothing.
Further, she knows damn well why you're doing this! If she
gets the sense that she can just throw you a few looks here
and there and get theatre tickets out of you, she's going to
see you as a weak loser that she can manipulate. After all,
if you had any skills or value, you'd never have to try to
buy her in the first place.
My rule: NEVER give gifts (especially of any monetary or emotional
value) until you've seen her naked. Let's face it - isn't that
really where you want to go with this? Of course it is. Relationships
are built on give and take - not give and give. What you're
trying to build is obligation on her part. Women see right
through this.
With regards to the roommate - assume he's her boyfriend and
not just a roommate. What's likely happening is that they've
been together for quite some time and thus, he's no longer
investing in her and the relationship. She's feeling ignored
and craves male attention, the along comes Ash. She gets your
attention, doesn't have to earn it in anyway; let alone, reciprocate
and that just boosts her sagging ego. She thinks that she must
really be something for some guy to spew all of this attention
and lavish gifts all over her in a vein attempt to get something
back.
Do you see what you're doing here?
What you need to do is to STOP investing anything and start
demanding some reciprocation! She's never going to love you
back if you don't expect it from her.
The very
first thing I'd do is to find out what the roommate thing
is all about. If she tells you it's
nothing serious,
pin her down by saying, "Good, then you're available to
start dating." If you don't make it absolutely clear as
to your goals, she's going to continue to milk this as long
as she can. Eventually, you'll lose if you continue along this
path. Trust me on this - I've seen it so many times I can't
begin to tell you!
Next, start
giving ONLY based on what you get FIRST. You see, YOU are
the prize here - and older, more
accomplished, more
powerful man. Those are the attributes that make you desirable
in her eyes. Exploit them! Over time, her looks will fade,
but you're going to get MORE accomplished and MORE powerful.
If you give all of that away for nothing, it's worth nothing
to her and she'll keep looking around for someone that knows
better - while appreciatively accepting everything you give
her. When he comes along, she'll continue to accept - and she'll
also use you as an "emotional tampon" by telling
you how this other guy (that she can't keep her hands off)
abuses her emotionally; but that she just can't seem to quit
him because HE knows what she needs.
Thus my rule: NEVER fall in love with anything or anyone until
AFTER you own it or them.
Best regards...
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Have a love, relationship,
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to me at dwneder@beingman.com
for answers. For more information about my books, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
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Copyright (c) 2004-2008, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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