Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
How Do
I Make a Move?
Dr. Neder,
My good friend has asked you a few questions and spoke very
highly of the advice you've given him and the results he's
received. I’ll take his word for it, and try to keep this brief,
but I do want to give you the some background.
I’m 23 and have a good degree and career. Two weeks ago, I
went on a first date with a young woman. We live about an hour
away. I have known her and her family for 6 years – she is
the younger sister of my best friend; also a girl. In fact,
I’ve spent many weekends with their family, was in my best
friend’s wedding party, and adore the parents. I think the
feelings on that are all mutual.
My date, who is 21, was dumped by her long-time boyfriend
six months ago. Before the date, I was warned by that “…she
still has some feelings leftover from that.” It became clear
on the date that she was still hurting over it. I was getting
mixed body language from her about “making a move” and decided
that no one has ever been pepper sprayed for trying to hold
hands – and so I went for it. She got a little uncomfortable,
pulled her hand away, and we kept on chatting.
The next morning, my date called her sister and told her how
wonderful of a time she’d had with me, but felt uncomfortable
that I’d “made a move” and didn’t know what to do. Knowing
me as well as she does, my friend told her to talk to me about
this, and assured her that I’d understand, and would really
appreciate the openness of communication. She told me she DID
want to keep spending time with me, on the condition that I
understood she’s in a “romantically anxious place right now,”
and that this isn’t going anywhere “right at this very moment.”
I assured her we were on the same page, that I too wanted to
continue ‘getting to know her,’ and that – unless she gave
me a painfully obvious “HOLD MY HAND, DUMMY” sign, I’d keep
my hands to myself.
Since then, we’ve communicated almost every day. While this
is great, our communication has been exclusively electronic.
We’ve only talked on the phone once, which was when I called
to tell her I was heading over to pick her up. I’ve tried calling
her in the past and she’ll respond to a voicemail with a text.
We text, we talk on AIM, we talk on Facebook. She’s forcing
some distance – but she’s told me why. For the time being I’m
trying to swim WITH the tide, rather than against it.
So, here are my questions.
1: I’m going to be in her town next weekend. How far in advance
should I let her know I’ll be there? I don’t want to seem like
I’m planning my trips around her.
2: What should we do? Our first date was dinner and drinks
at her favorite bar. Since this one is an “un-date” should
I do something that won’t FEEL like a date, or is that not
a bad thing? Should I propose something in the afternoon? Lunch
and butt sex, perhaps? (Oh wait… that’s what I’m NOT supposed
to say to her. Right.)
3: I’m desperately afraid I’m going to wind up in the friend
zone with her. How do I toe the line between “just being friends
for now” and “just being friends forever?”
4: Is it wise to swim with the tide, and not push the 'phone
call' thing?
Thank you for the wonderful service you provide here on All
Experts. I greatly look forward to the sage advice my friend
speaks so highly of.
------------------- Hello!
Your friend spoke "highly" of the
advice he received here? Hmmm...maybe he didn't understand
it then! ;)
Now, wait just a damn minute here. Holding
hands is "making
a move"??? Seriously? Come on here, what are you two,
12-years old? Holding hands isn't much of a "move" at
all! In fact, kissing isn't a "move" either! These
are very simple, minor-as-hell things that people who are enjoying
each other's company do. Let's keep things in perspective here!
If she's uncomfortable about this, how uncomfortable do you
think she'd be about sex; let alone a relationship? If you
give this any credibility whatsoever, you're simply reinforcing
this ridiculous issue! Don't do that - treat it as the non-issue
that it is!
Now, let's deal with this "romantically anxious place" crap.
So what? She's still having problems with an ex-boyfriend 6
months ago? Seriously - SIX MONTHS AGO??? Further, why in the
hell are you expected to be this girl's therapist? Why all
the pressure on you to walk on egg shells here - and none on
this girl to grow the f*ck up already?? You are both ADULTS
here! You're not children. If she thinks she is, she is NOT
ready to be in ANY relationship - not even the one that broke
up 1/2 a year ago!!!
You are giving all of this far too much credence and therefore,
creating a problem rather than expecting everyone to start
acting like adults already. What's going to happen next, are
you and your friend going to make a pinky-swear that you won't
try to hold hands with this girl ever again??? Come on already!
STOP being "Mr. Sensitive" here and
start being the man in this situation! Do you think this
girl (or ANY girl)
will ever feel safe and secure with you if you actually put
up with this ridiculous child's game? Answer: absolutely not!
They'll go find some guy like me that knows better and will
dump your ass for being so dumb. Don't be dumb!
Whew! That felt better...on to your questions:
1) Give her 3-4 days notice. No more than that.
2) DO NOT go on an "un-date"! DO
NOT go hang out with this girl! If she's now going to be
your buddy, she'll
never be anything else to you. Don't waste your time, money
or resources on that. Lunch and butt sex would be FAR better
than this! Instead, if she has psychological issues, tell her
to go get some counseling, but to grow the hell up before you
get there - and go on a REAL date one of the nights you're
there. That means you're going to hold her damn hand and kiss
her like real adults on a real date. If she can't handle that,
don't waste your time with her - give her another 20 years
to grow up!
3) You're already there! This needs to be how you're going
to get out of it, not being afraid you'll wind up there! You
can't be friends now and something else in the future. If you
really get into that situation, it's game over.
4) Look. I've spent a lot of quality time in
your state. I've done hunting seminars and taking packs of
guys out to meet
some incredible girls. You guys are no different there than
we are over here on the "left coast". YOU on the
other hand want to think somehow you are!
There's no "swimming with the tide" going
on here - this is all about YOU swimming up-stream!
Dating and building a relationship - even a
potential one - is your job, not hers. If you don't know
how adults date
or what your roll should be or any of 1001 other important
points that would make you think any of this is ok, then I
strongly encourage you to read my books, "Being a Man
in a Woman's World I & II" and learn how things REALLY
work.
Best regards...
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Neder Relationship Advice: Main Page
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Have a love, relationship,
sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write
to me at dwneder@beingman.com
for answers. For more information about my books, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
products visit: www.beingaman.com.
Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2004-2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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