Why Can't I Meet Someone That's Available?

Hello Dr. Neder:

HELP!

Oh yes, a word you probably see all the time. But surely there is no plain and simple way to understand men or even women for that matter.

Here's my dilemma: I am a single, pretty, tall, 24-year-old woman. I have had a couple of boyfriends here and there, but just one serious one. This past Christmas, I met someone special that had come home from college for 2 weeks. He was a guy I went to high school with, but never really talked to before.

After we met up again, we talked everyday and saw each other every other day. We were romantic; kissing, hugging, looking deep into each other's eyes, etc. He said he really liked me and that he'd miss me when he left to return to college, but last night he told me that he didn't want a relationship, but wanted to keep in touch and still see each other now and then.

What does that mean??? No relationship, but he still wants the things relationships are all about? It's weird!

Help!!!!!!!!!

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Hello!

Frankly, this isn't as weird as it might seem. This guy is away at college. There, he knows he's going to meet a lot of women and he wants to keep his options open. On the other hand, it's a good deal to know that he has someone waiting at home for him too - a good deal that is, for him!

You say that your "...pretty, tall..." etc., and that may or may not be true, but either way, that's not the real issue here. The distance is the issue. Trust me on this one - long-distance relationships NEVER work out! That's just the way it is. There are so many reasons for this that I can't even begin to describe them all here, but suffice it to say that I know what I'm talking about. Perhaps after he finishes his education he might be someone you'd consider dating when he returns home, but I wouldn't hold out hope. He'll be a different person by then.

So, let's talk about now instead.

You are obviously interested in finding a relationship, but let me ask you: do you really know exactly what it is you're looking for? Have you ever sat down to really figure this out? As I say in many interviews, most people spend more time planning their vacations than they spend planning their relationships. Isn't that ridiculous? But by "planning" I'm not talking about looking around until you stumble over some guy. I'm talking about really sitting down and crafting your perfect relationship on paper.

We often set goals for our lives, but this usually involves our work lives and sometimes a few other aspects. I think it's critical to set goals for your emotional life too. But you have to be very clear and specific on what (*NOT* whom) you want! This should describe not only the type of guy you're looking for in every way possible, but what your life will be like when you find it. This last part is critical as I've seen many people do just the first part and then keep searching even though they've found exactly what they really wanted. They did this simply because they didn't realize they had what they wanted in the first place.

Likewise, you need to recognize that you need some relationship skills behind you. This involves actually learning how men think and act. Most of women's information about men come from other women! This is a fatal mistake as I've seen so much misinformation given from otherwise well-meaning women. If you really want to learn about men, I suggest that you get it right from the source. If you don't have a ready source of this information, I suggest that you get involved in my discussion group, "BeingAMan" here: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman. It's free and filled with men discussing men's relationship, dating and sex issues. There are also many women in there too in order to learn much more about men.

Another skill you have to build is both how to approach men, and how to be approached. It would seem that the latter is easy - just hang around until some great guy walks up and sweeps you off your feet. Not so! In fact, most men don't really even know how to approach a woman, or what women to approach. You have to learn to make it easy for men to do this by learning how to flirt - make eye contact, establish connection and rapport learn communication tools, etc.

These will get you far along the way, but there's much more! What about learning to approach great men yourself? Why should you have to wait around until some guy you think you'd like approaches you? There's nothing wrong with taking that responsibility yourself and making things happy - for yourself. Besides, wouldn't you like to meet a guy that is so comfortable with his own masculinity that he's perfectly comfortable both approaching - and being approached - by women?

Finally, you have to actually be somewhere that you can meet other people. Men aren't going to just find you in the phone book! I constantly urge people to find activities and hobbies that they enjoy. Invariably, you'll find that there are clubs, organizations and events all centered around these activities and hobbies. What's cool about this is that you'll not only have a lot of fun, you'll meet other fun people too.

This isn't an exhaustive list of things to do to kick-start your love life, but it'll take you a long way along the path. For much more I suggest you also visit my website as there's very large amount of information and ideas right there at your fingertips.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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