Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
Are Nice
Guys a Dying Breed?
Do women even want a nice guy anymore?
I've
been a nice guy all my life. Upbringing taught me to be nice
to
everyone. I open doors for women,
compliment them,
laugh with them, do nice things for them such as favors and
such. What do I get in return? "You're so sweet and thoughtful." I
HATE that phrase!
I have been so unlucky with women because of this nice guy
syndrome. I've even started reading books on how to be an Alpha
male but you know what? The nice guy mindset still comes out.
I'm tempted to just become a jerk and see where that will get
me. I am confident so there is no problem in that area. Women
just seem to want a man that can treat them badly it seems.
What is with this? Help!!
------------------------- Hello!
Actually, this is an excellent question! There's a dichotomy
and huge misunderstandings about all of this. I'll try to explain
it, but it's a little complicated, so stick with me.
The short
answer is yes, women want "nice guys",
BUT (here's where things get complicated), they don't want
them to start out as nice guys. They want them to become one
later on.
There's tons of science behind this that I'm not going to
bore you with. Let me just tell you the facts.
Women need to feel safe and secure with a guy in order to
feel love. We offer some very important things that most women
lack - I don't care what the feminists say! My own research
bears this out time and time again. The problem is that women
fight their own internal needs and drives in order to comform
with images they get from a media that simply promotes agenda.
It's difficult for many women to come to grips with these huge
differences. An interesting aside however is that any guy that
learns how this works and can bring it to her is an instant
hero - and the woman benefits from being able to reconcile
it all the rest of her life; but I digress.
When you act like you're disinterested, are a challenge, seem
like a basic jerk and any of the 1001 other concepts you've
read in some books; you present an image of greater power to
the women you meet. This power translates to the ability to
provide, protect, etc.
Nice guys
come off as needy and wanting. They seem "sensitive" and
are more in need of mothering than an Alpha or a jerk. Now,
understand that this appeals to some women, but they are the
minority. Most of the women you meet aren't like this, so the
nice-guy image won't work in the vast majority of the cases
simply because you won't appeal to her basic inner needs.
Now, some guys actually ARE jerks. They don't change from
this image at all, and it's these guys that so many women are
attracted to, get used by and get dumped by that they have
become the major complaint of these women! You've heard all
the stories, and unfortunately, many of them are true! The
problem is that these girls are making the wrong choices -
it's not the guys at all!
Now, enter
the guy that knows how to use these same attributes and meet,
approach and close a woman, and
continues them through
the "sales process" and most women will be hooked.
Then, slowly revert to the nice-guy thing again, but keep the
jerk available when you need him again (and you WILL need him
again - this is something I describe in my books as "The
Test"), and you'll be the guy that almost any woman can
fall in love with.
Now, here's
the good news. You can still be a nice guy IF (and frankly,
ONLY IF) you build the right
mindset in up front.
This is what BAM ("Being a Man...") is all about.
It's about expressing those things that women crave - and learning
WHY they crave them while integrating all of this into your
own personality.
I believe
that if you know WHY something is true, you'll automatically
be able to answer all the "what's" about
it. The problem that I see is that so many people teach technique
and
not foundations. Thus, unless you become the exact guy these
books promote, you can't possibly be successful in their way.
That's a waste in my humble.
So, therein
lies your challenge. You have to learn the RIGHT sort of
jerk-attitudes, figure out when to
apply them properly
and when to pull back and you'll be that "chick magnet" you
hear so much about. This is why you want to know WHY things
are true - not WHAT is true.
Finally,
no, women don't want a man that treats them badly, (unless
the girl is pretty fucked up; and there
are plenty
of those around too!) What they want is a guy that can be the
powerful - but loving - partner they need. When a girl finds
this guy, she throws everything she has into him. All that "independent
woman" crap (a complete, manufactured fallacy by the way)
goes right out the window.
Best regards...
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Have a love, relationship,
sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write
to me at dwneder@beingman.com
for answers. For more information about my books, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
products visit: www.beingaman.com.
Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2004-2008, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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