Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
Sexually
Frustrated
Hi Dennis,
I am a college sophomore and diabetic and I'm in a relationship
with a freshman. I am a virgin but my girlfriend is not. I've
told her that I'm not bothered by what happened in her past.
We've tried to have sex on two occasions. The first time I
was extremely drunk and we both pretty much knew that nothing
was going to happen. Our second attempt things just went all
to hell. I don't know what the problem is, but I went soft
right before I tried to enter her. I'm fine up until I start
putting a condom on and then...nothing. It's terribly frustrating
because I don't know how to explain it.
I masturbate often (not excessively though) and I've never
had any problems staying hard, so I have no idea what the issue
is. It's really bothering me because my girlfriend feels like
it is her fault; that somehow I don't find her sexually attractive
and that's why I can't stay hard. That is as far from the truth
as possible, and I've told her this but I don't think she truly
believes it.
What could
the problem be? Is it simply nerves because I've never had
sex before or might it be a bigger
issue like Erectile
Dysfunction ("ED")? I know diabetics can sometimes
be prone to getting ED, but I'm only 20 years old so that wouldn't
make much sense. I'm extremely frustrated because I want to
have sex with this girl, i haven't rushed in making that decision
but now I'm utterly unable to accomplish anything. It's horribly
embarrassing and this has only happened twice. I don't know
what to do. Should i consult my doctor or should I just try
harder next time, even though I don't know what else I could
possibly do.
---------------- Hello!
No, I don't think you need to talk to a doctor. This isn't
ED and it's not that odd or weird either.
Here's the reality: this has nothing to do with your sexual
attraction for your girlfriend. The real problem is that sex
is very complicated. You don't have a natural instinct toward
sex like animals do. Humans are complicated emotional creatures
and there are tons of things that go into human sexual response
whether you're a man or a woman. In effect, you have to LEARN
how to be sexual with someone else.
You see, all this time you've been practicing being sexual
by yourself. Your mind has learned that's how sex works; and
by the way, this is also perfectly natural. At the same time,
you've spent your entire life practicing being non-sexual around
others. This is because it's not socially acceptable to go
over and hump every chick that strikes your interests. Your
body is merely responding to years upon years of conditioning.
Once you start practicing being sexual with your girlfriend,
your body will learn this and react appropriately. Trust me,
it WILL do this! Don't fret about it - it's all completely
normal and you're going to be fine.
What I suggest is that you and she take an entire afternoon
and evening the next time you have sex. You have to plan this
however - sex isn't spontaneous when you're first starting
out. Let things build up over time. Eat a meal in bed and make
it a game. Feed each other; eat food off of each other's bodies,
etc. Have fun!
I'd also suggest you abstain from masturbating for a week
before this. Trust me; if you can stand the tension of that
afternoon and evening, you're going to be ready without hesitation
by the time the condom goes on.
Once you relearn how to be a sexual person with someone else,
you'll find that sex becomes spontaneous and that your reactions
are natural - and you'll stay hard without any trouble at all.
Best regards...
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