Being Too Shy

There's a new girl coming to our school this year. I want to make a good impression because I have a crush on her. Around school, I'm the clown, the guy who lightens things up with laughs but it usually involves embarrassing myself. I'm just too shy so its hard for me to ask her out or even talk to her.

What should I do?

-----------------------

Hello!

First of all, let's get this out in the open, since you didn't say it, but alluded to it:

What you really want is to know how to make her fall in love with you (your "impression") so that she does all your work for you, takes all the risks and you don't have to risk anything.

Forget it. That's not how it works.

I, she, and now you, knows this rule. It's YOUR job as the man to make all these moves. It's YOUR job as the man to take these initial risks. It's YOUR job as the man to approach her, break the ice, develop rapport and connection, to close, to set-up the first date (and likely the second and third) and to move things forward.

Those are not my rules by the way, there were here when I arrived too!

Stop thinking that you can impress a girl so much she just has to have you. It doesn't work that way and it never will. I see guys that are real 40-, 50-, and 60-year-old virgins for this very reason! You aren't going to be one of those, are you?

Now, here's the reality: you're not "too shy". You are shy just like everyone else is shy. It just seems even more so to you because you're in your own skin. EVERYBODY is shy, which really means, they are afraid of getting rejected. The difference is that some guys feel the pain of not getting what they want far more than they feel the fear of being rejected. It's not that they get over the anxiety, (well, actually, they do eventually once they realize that they don't have to get rejected!) it's that they decide to learn the right way that all of this done, and to make it work for them.

That leaves you with a choice:

1) Disbelieve what I'm telling you and just continue to do it your way, or,

2) Learn how it's really done, (and yes, I have all the tools for you) and thus get over your fear and shyness all at once.

If you opt for #1, be my guest. I'll be talking to you again when you're 40 and you've never had a date and then, I'll be telling you the same thing again.

If you choose #2, you're going to be way ahead of the game because most of your friends are going to choose #1. Obviously the choice is yours. If you choose #1, you can stop reading right here.

So, you're at least curious, eh? Ok, let me tell you what you have to do:

You need to get your balls in check. It appears that you already know this girl to some extent, and more important, that you can be funny and put yourself out there. You have to get past the fear of rejection however. You do this with education. You learn what works and what doesn't work, then you avoid what doesn't work like the plague and use only the things that do. Go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and get started on your study. There's a ton of material there to help you. I suggest you start with my FAQ's found under "Self Help".

You need to approach this girl using whatever context you and she have together. Ask yourself how you know this girl - that is your context for the approach. Just say "hi" and get her name if you don't know it. Introduce yourself too. Use the tools you'll learn from my site about "open-ended questions" to build rapport and connection with her. Next, you need to "close" by getting her phone number.

After that, you have to set-up the first date. Be sure to make this simple - don't go all out, which is a common mistake newbie's make all the time. It looks like too much - almost like you're trying to buy her approval, which is insulting to women.

Obviously, there's a lot skimmed over here. That's because this is far more complicated than I can answer in a single - or even 100 emails. This is about study, not a "quick fix". Let's see which option you ultimately choose.

Best regards...

> Home > Dr. Neder Relationship Advice: Main Page

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2004-2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.