Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
You Better
Know How to Handle a Woman's "Test"!
Hey Doc!
I met this girl a couple of months ago and we started to hang
out. At first she said she only wanted to be friends when I
made a move so I just blew it off but she continued to call
me all the time wanting to see me.
One night we went out, and she kept on flirting
with me and getting mad when I would check out other girls,
by the way
this whole time I would go from being a nice guy to being something
of a jerk, and before the night was over, we were making out.
I never really asked her out or anything, but she made it seem
as if we were together. She would always call me and tell me
that I better be "only hers".
I left for two and a half weeks on vacation
and when I got back I called her and she said that things
had happened since
I left and that she had gone back to her ex-boyfriend. I said, "Well,
ok, but what about us?" She tried to make some lame excuse
that I never talked to her about starting a serious relationship
with her so she didn't think I wanted one. I just said "whatever" and
ended the phone call.
This seems to happen to me a lot. The girl seems really into
me and then in about 2-3 weeks she wants to break up! At first,
I was being too needy by always calling them and bugging them,
but the last couple of times I've completely changed my approach
by acting like I didn't really care if they called or not.
To make matters worse, my last few girlfriends call me to
check up and tell me they still think about me and miss me
every three-four months. They call and say they were just thinking
of me and wanted to hear my voice. Why is it that they don't
want to be with me but then don't really want to let me go
either?
------------------------------ Hello!
Welcome to a little thing I call "The Test".
Many years ago when I first began my research into all of
this, I began noticing a pattern. This pattern happened in
every relationship I ever had (and still have!) and with every
guy, in every relationship they had too! It was a very odd
situation (always different of course) where the woman they
were seeing would pull something totally unexplainable and
out of the blue, just like your situation.
I began to realize what this was, and why women do this.
First, women aren't going to get you to be
the guy they want in the relationship through brute force.
Thus, they've had
to "evolve" a series of tools to make this happen.
The most important one is what I call, "The Test".
The Test happens in EVERY SINGLE relationship, usually early-on
within the first month or two. It's ultimately a way for women
to determine who is going to be the person steering the ship;
so to speak. By the way - it'd had better be you!
You see, women understand that someone has
to be the man in the relationship. If you're not going to
be him, then she has
to be. That means that she doesn't get the chance to be the
woman. By being the leader of the relationship, you actually
make a woman feel "safe" and "feminine".
By not being him, she'll either do one of two things:
1) Continue to Test you; or,
2) Reluctantly become the relationship leader
Most women will eventually move on after a while of either
of these things. Here's an interesting thing however: this
behavior is so ingrained in women, most of them don't even
know that they do it!
So, what exactly is The Test? It can take any number of forms
and you've seen some of them already. In general, you'll know
The Test by the following:
1) It's totally out of the blue and unexpected.
2) It can happen at any time - like just getting back from
vacation, getting ready to walk into a movie or when you come
home from work or school.
3) It always has an emergency component to it - the relationship
will seem to live or die based on your response.
4) How you deal with The Test will be the deciding factor.
The Test is never about the particular issue
she brings up however! It's always about control. For instance,
some women
will wait until you're about to fall asleep or watch some favorite
program and will then ask, "Honey, where is our relationship
going?" Other times, she will be very close, loving, caring
and happy and then will turn instantly (like your vacation
example).
The way you handle The Test is always the same.
You first recognize it for what it is - just a Test - nothing
more. Then,
you see that this is about control, so you put aside the supposed "issue" and
deal with the relationship itself. The point however is to
be active and involved - not nonchalant about it.
By being nonchalant about things, you are actually
inciting The Test. If you just pull back and say "whatever",
she has to Test you in order to see if you're serious! On the
other hand, if you deal with it head-on, she'll know you're
serious and won't Test you again unless she thinks otherwise.
This is actually a response to feeling insecure about the relationship!
In your example, you didn't bother to "define" things
when they got started and actually left that to her. That's
why you got Tested. With your ex-girlfriends, they would like
you to be the guy that can pass their Tests too and that's
why they keep calling.
With this last situation, you should just say, "You know,
I'm not interested in being your friend - I already have enough
friends. If you want something more then just say so or stop
calling me." Notice how this sets the tone for a relationship?
Doing nothing or being too casual creates nothing and gives
her nowhere to go.
You can't avoid Tests - even relationship has them. You can
become an expert at passing them however. Just learn to recognize
The Test; set your path through it and run that path by being
active and involved. If you do this every time, you'll find
that soon, you get no more Tests - and very happy girlfriends!
Best regards...
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Have a love, relationship,
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to me at dwneder@beingman.com
for answers. For more information about my books, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
products visit: www.beingaman.com.
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Copyright (c) 2004-2008, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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