Communication Issues While Dating

Dr. Neder:

I am so glad to have found your site! I am having a relationship crisis!

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 5 years. We live together and are not married yet and are both in school. I know that I want to marry him, and I love him very deeply, however, I have attachment problems. I get the, "I need you to love me, I need, I need..." dialog going in my head, and I know that isn't healthy.

I have let my life revolve around him, and put him in the center of my universe. If all isn't well with him, all certainly isn't well with me. I am struggling with school and work because I am having serious disappointment issues. I feel that I am not the woman he fell in love with, I feel that I am weaker, not as much fun, and not as good of a friend to him as I once was.

I need some sense knocked into me, and this sounds silly, but I need help helping myself! I know I am more dependent of him than he is of me, but I am struggling to grasp my independence. I am not ever sure where to start, or what is the most productive way to solve my problems.

Thanks so much for your help!

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Hello!

Here's where to start: communication. However, it's not about communicating more; it's about better understanding communication.

Men and women speak very different languages. In my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" we go into 4 different models of communications that people use and how they differ. It's very common for issues to come up (like yours) due exclusively to communication problems.

It’s likely that you need some specific action from him in order to feel "loved". For instance, you might need to hear him say "I love you" or you might need him to touch you in some particular way. He on the other hand may have a different way of feeling love; by being shown in some particular way for example!

When a relationship begins, we spend all sorts of time using every method we can think of to show our partners that we love them. But, as the relationship progresses, we tend to revert to the method that is most comfortable for us! I believe therein lies your problem. It might every well be that he IS showing you his love, but is doing it only in the way that is most common to him - not in the way you need.

Why not ask him? However, you have to be a little smart when you ask men relationship questions. Read this article for specifics on this: http://www.beingaman.com/get_a_man_to___.htm

What you want to know is this: "What are the things that I do that make you feel the most 'loved'?" Then, listen very closely to what he tells you - he's giving you some very important information here! You want to spend some time discussing it with him. Next you want him to know what you need to feel loved too. Explain to him what that is, (but make sure you know up front by asking yourself that question, too!)

Things could change very dramatically once you both understand what they other needs.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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