How to Improve a Sex Life

Hello Dr. Neder,

I am a middle age professional woman. I have been in my second marriage for many, many years. I fell madly in love with my husband, and he is my soul mate. I think we both feel the same about each other.

Throughout our marriage, we have been true to each other and are really committed to our life together and we respect each other's profession. We have a family even though we are both very busy and we enjoy being together. However, our sex life is a problem for me and has been almost from the beginning due to the quantity. He is not a very sexual person, does not display sexual behavior at all unless I approach him. He responds sexually to me but is very passive, unskilled, and unadventurous. This is one issue we have not been able to resolve.

He almost never approaches me sexually but he seldom or almost never has refused to have sex with me and he has nothing against pleasing me if I ask for it even when he is not in the mood for sex. I need to feel attractive by having him approach me sexually. I have told him this for many, many years but that has not led to any changes. I think I have given up.

I have often asked him if he was maybe not attracted to me but he absolutely denies that as a reason for his lack of sexual interest in me. I have even discussed with him homosexuality and he has absolutely denied any such tendencies. All our discussions are calmed and without accusations, open to analysis from different angles, still he has not been able to explain why he is so uninterested in sex.

Approximately one year ago I discovered that I was not longer hot for him anymore. Sex started to become unfulfilling. He is just the person I love and share my life with and respect but not the person with whom I am in love.

I believe this problem is the reason why I am going through an emotional crisis at the moment. I have fallen in love with a much younger man - a coworker. I became very sexually attracted to him, like I have not been to other men since I met my husband. I thought that I was just having sexual fantasies which could be tracked to my unhappiness in my sex life with my husband and to my recent realization that I don't see my husband as my sexual partner.

I tolerated my sexual attraction to my coworker and was not worried about it, but recently I have come to realize that I am truly in love with this coworker. I feel young, I feel like I have not felt for so long, I think about him all the time. I am totally consumed with when I will see him and talk to him again.

He respects me a lot, is learning a great deal from me, and we are very close, are good friends and enjoy working together. I feel terrible when I don't get to see him or talk to him. I have dreams about him confessing his love to me, kissing me, and hugging me. I feel very distressed because I feel that I would very much like to have a romantic relationship with this young man if he felt the same about me (which I don't know but feel/imagine he does).

This coworker has a completely different lifestyle than I do and has goals that I already reached long ago, so it is obvious to me that he could never be my life-partner. Mostly, I just love the way he makes me laugh, his commitment to our projects and the things we share because of those projects, his body and face, and all the attention he gives me in so many ways.

Sometimes I feel I am about to explode with all these feelings inside of me, sometimes I feel I cannot exercise any more self-control and that I will have to tell my coworker how I feel so that I can either set a stop to my feelings finding out that he is not interested in me or begin an affair that will fulfill all my sexual needs without any other commitment on our parts. Then I calm down and remind myself of how ridiculous, selfish, and dangerous that would be and become rational again.

I've been feeling like this for about two months now and it is not getting better. I cannot talk to anyone about this so I have been desperate.

I would appreciate some advice and guidance.

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Hello!

You are obviously a very sexual woman, and I consider that a healthy way to be! Our sexuality relates to every part of our being - the way we dress, the colors we choose, the way we walk, talk, stand, the way we relate to others, etc. In short, I believe there is nothing so important as our sexuality.

That said, I understand how you feel about your situation with your husband. It's unfortunate that he's not a match for you sexually. Of course, you don't know that your coworker is either! Thus, I believe that you're in love with the sexual image of this coworker, not the coworker himself.

As I see it, you really have only three choices:

1) Do nothing
2) Purse something with the coworker
3) Try to get your husband to get his low libido corrected and by improving your sex life, falling back into love with him

Let's talk about each of these:

If you do nothing, I doubt your sexual interest in the coworker is going to wane. I hope that you masturbate regularly as this helps to provide some sexual relief. One question you might ask yourself: just after you masturbate, do you find that your interest in the coworker goes away or substantially lessens? If so, you know that your interest is sexual only, not emotional.

If you do nothing, you may find that your resentment for your husband is going to grow and will soon become unhealthy. Obviously, that isn't a good choice.

If you pursue something with the coworker and actually start a sexual relationship, you may find that he isn't the guy you imagined him to be. On the other hand, he may be even more, and you may completely fall out of love with your husband. This would be a precarious situation at best.

I happen to believe that BOTH partners are responsible when an affair happens! The person pursuing the affair is obviously responsible, but the other partner has a hand in it as well. As in your case, your husband's lack of sexuality plays an important role here. That by the way is not an excuse to have an affair - it is just a fact.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you all the possible ramifications of an affair, and as you said, your coworker would never be your life partner. If your husband found out about this, it would likely destroy your marriage and break up your family. So, if you choose this path, you must absolutely NOT let your husband find out!

What I see so often is that one partner in a relationship starts an affair and then out of guilt, admits it to the other partner, or worse, leaves clues around so that he/she finds out about it. Don't do this! If you can't handle the guilt, then do not have the affair. Here's why: the only benefit of your partner finding out about it would be a slight, temporary relief in your own guilt. However, the more important impact will be on your husband. It will likely destroy him and any relationship you have. So, DO NOT let him find out about it!

One last point here: you need to realize that any affair; if you're going to keep your marriage together, would be temporary. At the end of the affair you have other questions to answer including what you'll do when you're back with an unfulfilling sex life.

The last option of trying to help your husband correct his libido problems is a complicated one! Consider that not only will he have to accept this, but you're going to have to work on rebuilding your love for him while he works on his sexual interest for you. You will have to put your interest in your coworker out of your mind while you focus on the benefits of an improved sex life with your husband.

So, how do you go about this? First, you're going to have to have a talk with your husband - possibly a number of them. During these conversations, you want to focus on your needs and expectations, not on his problem. You want to explain to him that you find yourself falling out of love for him for want of a sex life and that you believe this can be corrected.

I believe that if he sees the gravity of the situation, he will be motivated to get it solved. There is also the possibility that he will resent this and may even take it as a blow to his ego. That is the risk you take with this option.

There are many therapies available to help correct low libido including medical and psychological ones. If you choose this option, I strongly urge you to seek the guidance of a qualified sex therapist. They can give you a complete listing of the options available to you and map out a course to take.

But, remember: counseling isn't a panacea. There is still a good chance that things won't improve, of if they do, that you won't fall back in love with him again, and you'll be again asking yourself which of these three options will be best for you in the future. Realize that this takes much thought and effort. I wish you the best luck with whatever course of action you choose.

Best regards...

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