Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
Basics
Of The Approach
Dear Dr Neder,
I have a very peculiar problem that I’d appreciate your advice
on.
My problem begins
at the point where I actually approach a woman (“first phase”).
I know all about making
eye contact,
and determining a woman’s level of interest, but as soon as
I go to talk to her for the first time she usually says "I
will think about it" and she suddenly starts ignoring
me. She refuses to even listen to me the very next time and
after two or three denials from her the communication usually
starts taking an ugly turn and I give up.
This has happened
to me four times in my life that a woman gives me all the
signs of interest but then
rejects me when
I approach. I have developed a complex in myself and I’m beginning
to think that I am attractive "only from a distance".
I do not understand why women get turned off when I go up to
talk to them when my overall presentation is quite impressive.
Are all the women in this world simply trying to fool me?
Please advise!
---------------------------- Hello!
There is probably one or two things going on here:
1) You're misreading
women's interested in your "first
phase" and are approaching the wrong women; or,
2) Your approach isn't right.
Obviously, without observing your approach, there's no way
to say what that problem is specifically. Even if you explain
to me the words you use, there are still a thousand subtle
body language cues that go along with it.
So, let me offer you the basics you want to keep in mind:
1) Confidence.
People show confidence (or a lack of) in a thousand small
ways; your posture, the way
you talk, a lack
of waiver in your voice, eye contact, body position, placement
of the hands, etc., etc. All of these are critical and act
as a concert to give an impression. Your impression should
always be one of confidence, and even a little arrogant. However,
if you're not good a doing the subtle or "fine-line" arrogance
thing, stay away from it. It's too easy to slip into looking
like a jackass rather than a man of confidence.
2) Smile. You'd be surprised at how few men learn how to smile
properly! Most of them look like a grimace rather than a type
of calm, confident happiness. You should practice this in the
mirror until you feel comfortable with it and it looks natural.
Also, study when to use a smile and when not to. Smiles can
easily look like nervousness.
3) Take the conversation somewhere. When you approach a woman,
you don't have to have so stupid line to give her, but you
do need to learn to carry a conversation. Obviously, your approach
is something like an interview. You're trying to get to know
the woman in the quickest, most direct way possible. Thus,
get her talking about herself! Use this as a discovery of both
who she is, and what you need to do to move the conversation
on. This leads to:
4) Read her cues. Frankly, this is a rather difficult skill
to learn. Most guys are so focused on what they're going to
say to sound cleaver or interesting, that they forget to read
the woman their talking to. The only way to overcome this is
practice. That means you have to make a large number of approaches!
You might want to consider something of a game where you're
just practicing your skills.
5) Close. You
have to ask for what you want. If you don't, not only do
you come off as a wuss, but you're
not going to
have anything to show for your effort! Far too many men expect
the woman to close for them; waiting for HER to ask to give
him her number! Once you get good at the other items here,
you'll find that some women actually WILL shove their numbers
into your hands on occasion, but don't expect it. Instead,
YOU need to be the one to ask for it. Then, when you do, be
direct, calm, confident, and don't ask her - tell her. Say
something like, "Here, write your home phone number down
on this paper and I'll call you sometime to continue this conversation."
6) Leave! You always want to be the one to end the conversation.
Don't over-stay your welcome. Close, and make your exit.
Focus on the elements I've given you and practice them. Above
all, don't give up! You need a large number of these experiences
under your belt to get comfortable with them. You didn't learn
to walk the first time you tried. It took much practice. So
don't give up. You can do it.
Best regards...
> Home > Dr.
Neder Relationship Advice: Main Page
- - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - -
Have a love, relationship,
sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write
to me at dwneder@beingman.com
for answers. For more information about my books, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
products visit: www.beingaman.com.
Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2004-2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
|
