Revenge!

Hello Dr. Neder:

I’m writing about the topic of revenge.

I recently broke things off with this older woman from work. She is currently in a bad married, and has a 5 year old. I told her from the start that I would never get serious with her, because of that, but she fell in love with me and the sex was great. That’s all I ever wanted from her however, even though I would of like to be with her if she wasn't married, older and had so much baggage. Now we don't even talk at work, and she currently is dating this other older ugly guy. She is now separated from her husband and still cheating, but I have the upper hand! I have naked photos of her and want to send it to the ex-husband.

I think he has a right to know, and that way he has proof against her.

What do you think?

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Hello!

Unlike most people, I'm actually in favor of well-placed, well thought-out revenge. I'm not talking about the guy that throws paint on his neighbor's car because his neighbor's dog craps in his yard. I'm talking about the type of creative, subtle, non-destructive revenge that sends the message, "I don't tolerate being screwed with."

In your case however, I don't recommend it. Here's the difference: you're interested in extracting revenge for some perceived emotional harm that was done, not because someone tried to take specific advantage of you. In fact, it was you that only wanted a sexual relationship with her in the first place. Whenever you get involved with a situation - especially when you know the details (like her being married) - it is YOU that has to take responsibility for your actions. In other words: BE A MAN.

She is responsible for her actions alone - you're not her mother. What she does, and with whom she does them (unless that "who" is you), is none of your business. If you choose not to be involved with it, walk away - or better, don't get involved in the first place. Further, you don't know what situation she really has at home. She may have described her home life to you, but unless you've actually been directly involved, you can't know what's really going on there. Hell, maybe her husband wants her to go out and bang other guys! That isn't as uncommon as you might think.

Here's another point: when you're with someone and record intimate things about them - be it things told to you in confidence, recorded telephone conversations, or even x-rated photos or movies - you have a responsibility to that person. We call this "honor". In my book, any man without honor isn't a real man; he's just a boy with pubic hair.

One of the reasons why I bust on women about how they treat men is that they aren't expected to have honor. It's amazing that women get away with some of the things they do like letting a guy take them out and spend hundreds - even thousands - of dollars on them, knowing full-well that the guy wants to sleep with them, only to say "goodbye" when the money stops flowing. These women have no honor in them, and society doesn't expect them to! All of this is seen as "ok". But, let a man take a woman out because he wants to get into her pants, and he's a jackass! What's the difference? Simple: men are expected to have honor.

The type of revenge you're talking about isn't honorable in any way. I'm not saying that you have to tolerate people dumping on you in the name of honor. However, when you collected the photos, you made a promise (whether spoken or unspoken) to her. Keeping that promise - even when you'd rather do something else - is the highest form of honor.

If you want an honorable form of revenge in this situation, become a better man. Just like Frank Sinatra once said, "The greatest revenge is massive success!" What a great thought. Do you think that Sinatra's enemies didn't envy his massive success? You bet they did! In his own way, Sinatra was an evil genius.

So, my suggestion to you if you're still convinced that you need some revenge is to simply find some great women - either at work, or not - and enjoy your own "massive success" with them! Yes, revenge is sweet!

Best regards...

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