Flirty Girls and Mixed Messages

Dr. Neder:

I've been reading your articles for some time now and have a question for you.

There’s this girl at work that I’ve been flirting with for almost 9 months now. I never made a move because she has a boyfriend. Despite this, she’s always been very flirty and playful with me - much more so than with other guys at work.

Recently, she gave me her cell phone number and asked me to call her. That sounds great, but it was right after she moved in with her boyfriend!

I don’t know how to play this. Do I have a chance with this girl, or should I just move on and forget her? Can you help?

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Hello!

Yes, I think I can help you here.

There are a number of things going on. First of all, it sounds like this girl is attracted to you at least a little, but consider that she’s also very attracted to your attention. We call this the “Attention Whore” or “AW” (for a complete description of the AW, see, “Being a Man in a Woman’s World II” from my website).

She gets your attention with all the flirting, but uses it to make herself feel attractive to men other than her boyfriend. AW’s often define their own worth by how they interact with men! Frankly, this isn’t very respectful to her boyfriend or her relationship, but he’s at least part to blame for letting it happen in the first place. I’m not going to spend any more time talking about the boyfriend – he can write to me if he wants answers – this is about you!

So, why did she give you her phone number? Is there a chance she might go out with you?

Yes, there’s a chance, but it’s a very small one. She’s living with someone, and while you don’t know exactly what their intentions are (perhaps she moved in with him to save some money, or they may have moved in together as a prelude to getting married), you don’t have to make assumptions here either.

What I suggest you do is to get somewhat scarce for a month. Obviously, you can’t take that much time off of work, but you can get distant from her. In fact, this is a great time to start finding other targets that you’re interested in and start dating.

What you want to do is to be pleasant towards her, but otherwise to avoid her. Give yourself about a month and see how she reacts.

If she also pulls way back and seems to start ignoring you (classic AW behavior, by the way), you’ll know that she’s only interested in you for how you make her feel – wanted and desirable. If she chases you or turns up the heat, you’ll know that her interest is more than just the fact of your attention.

By the way, after this month (if she’s been pursuing you rather than hiding) you can turn things up – way up – using the “Blitzkrieg” technique, also from “Being a Man… II”.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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