Have I Wasted My Life?

Hello, Dr. Neder:

I’ve had a boyfriend for just over 1 year. For approximately the first 10 months of our relationship, he was seeing another girl as friends. I wanted to believe him but had doubts because he didn't tell me he was often with her and spent a lot of time with her. I was never invited into their friendship. I asked to be included, but was met with evasive answers and just no at times.

After a while, I insisted that either he include me (I had met the girl one time in the first 6 months for 10 minutes, then my boyfriend decided to leave). I still haven't ever talked with the gal. Now, he says that he does not see her. That may be so. I'm not sure.

Now, I feel that I am in a relationship that has no commitment. I want to get married some day to the right guy, or at least to a guy that wants a long-time life long relationship and friendship. I can see that my guy has commitment issues with me.

I don't want to waste my life. I'm 41, I've been with boyfriends for up to 3 years and then the relationships have dissolved. I feel that I've done things the wrong way.

My boyfriend is a good guy. I think he doesn't want to commit; wants freedom, and probably wants to see other gals, at least as pals. Maybe more, I'm not sure.

I know that he did lie to me last summer about a gal he spent a weekend with. After he got home, he told the truth. He said that he didn't want to lie to me; he did it because I got so upset about the other girl.

He and I talked today. I suggested that we should both think about if we really want to have commitment. He knows that I do. He's not sure.

What should I do? I just don't want to waste years of my life hanging around with him and maybe not meeting someone who wants to settle down.

Thank you so much!

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Hello!

"Wasted your life"???? You've had a number of good - to very good - relationships, and simply because you aren't married, you've "wasted your life"? I think that's INCREDIBLY short sighted!

Look, if you want to get married, why don't you just go out next weekend and talk to every guy you see and ask them to marry you? You seem like a nice person, and I'm sure you can find a guy that would agree. Then, you can get married and be happy, right? Then, you life wouldn't be a "waste", right?

Don't be ridiculous. Being married isn't when your life begins. In fact, marriage shouldn't be your goal anyway! It should be to find a great guy and build a solid, loving, caring relationship in whatever format fits the situation. Putting too much focus on being married, and not enough on the quality of the relationship itself will get you exactly what you've gotten so far - a boyfriend that is evasive, non-committal, etc.

Now, with that as an introduction, let's get to your question.

Women see marriage very differently from us guys. For women, marriage means family, status, relationship success (not really, but that's how many women see it), security, future, etc. Men on the other hand see marriage as pressure, responsibility, loss of freedom, loss of choice, etc. When you compare these views of marriage, it's not difficult to see why men won't often "commit" to marriage!

However, many men do agree to get married. So, what's the difference? Simple: men can choose this relationship format when they are with a woman that meets everything they want in a partner. What is that? Frankly, I don't know as it's different for every man. Your job should be to find out exactly what your guy needs in order to make that commitment, then, simple BE that woman!

Many women will hear that and say, "Well, I want him to love me for ME!" In other words, they don't want to change, grow or give anything to the man in order for him to want to give up his freedom for her. That's short-sighted thinking, and will lead to being unmarried for the rest of her life.

I suggest you get started on discovering exactly what your man wants/needs in order to be willing to make this commitment to you, and then, become this woman.

Best regards...

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