Lesbians Need Trust Too!

Dear Dr. Neder:

I am in a lesbian relationship and have been for 16 months, and I have recently found out that my girlfriend cheated on me with a guy. She has always told me, before she could fully commit her life to me, she wanted to be with a man to make sure I was what she wanted. So she did it. She then lied to me about it for over a week, and then we had an argument and she brought it out. I had suspicions the entire weekend before this happened, so I would question her. She said that by me questioning something she wasn't doing, made her want to do it.

She said the reason she lied to me was because she was afraid that I would leave her. She said she needed to find out what she wanted, and now she knows. The entire weekend that I found out what had happened, she told me repeatedly that I was the only person that she wanted to be with. She fully regrets what she did, but thought it might be good for our relationship.

At times I want to break up with her, but at other times, I realize that is what she wanted to do before she could commit herself to me.

The guy that she had sex with works with her, and so they repeatedly talk. I told her that I did not want her to hang out with him because I didn't trust her. She then turned around and told him that she couldn't even talk to him because it was creating problems. He doesn't know that we are in a relationship, so all this is oblivious to him. She then came home and told me what she told him and said that she really feels bad for him because he really likes her.

I am at a point where I do not know what to do. I want to be with her, but how can I gain her trust back. Throughout this entire relationship she has been very trustworthy, and hasn't ever lied to me until now. Is there any advice that you might be able to give me on what to do, or how to approach things. I would really appreciate it.

I really love her, but do not know what to do.

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Hello!

Rather than advice, let me offer you some perspective.

I constantly tell both men and women that if you've been with someone else outside of your relationship (I don't use or believe in the word "cheat"), then DO NOT tell your partner about it under any circumstance. The reasons for this are that first, you will usually damage your partner and often the relationship, and second, you'll never get that relief from guilt that you seek. If you're going to stray, you'd better be able to handle the situation yourself - don't harm the person you're with!

I'm sure that's not the advice you'd want me to give your partner, but I'll bet you can see why it's valid nonetheless. Even if you "sensed" it, if she continued to deny it your relationship would have been better off, and it would have eventually faded into the background. Is it a lie? Sure it is, but let's face it - there's not such thing as true, 100% honesty in any relationship - from you or her - nor should there be. I prefer to think in terms of a "preponderance of truth" rather than absolutes. Your relationship would have actually benefited from her hiding it because she would have gone through the discovery she needed and would have committed to your relationship in a way she couldn't have before.

Now, let's examine the trust issue: Most women think that trust is like a light switch - it's either on or off. Let me ask you something: do you "trust" your girlfriend to get something from the store when you ask her to? Do you "trust" her to pick you up from the airport when she promises? Of course you do. In fact, you haven't lost "trust" for her at all. It's only changed somewhat. So, if trust can change in one way, do you think it can change back? Of course it can.

However, you'll never be in a risk-free relationship with anyone. That's just the way relationships are - you can never "trust" someone 100% so you've got to make some shifts in your paradigm about trust. Instead of looking to someone else to "make you trust them", look to yourself to build trust internally instead.

Many relationship suffer because of this, and I believe it's tragic. Personally, I never leave trust up to any other person. When I'm with a woman, my attitude is, "If you want to go out and eat hamburger when you have steak at home, that's not my problem. What IS my problem is my mistake in judging you differently." This is an internalized thing rather than looking outwardly for it.

With regards to the guy: you deserve to not have your relationship impacted or interfered with by an outside party and she's promised to end any personal relationship with this guy. She obviously can't end the business relationship however and you're going to have to accept that.

It's perfectly reasonable for her to have friends however; male or female, as long as they don't impact your relationship. You should feel free to state this to her, and then expect that she'll treat your relationship with the same respect and courtesy that you bring to it.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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