Dating Multiple Women at Once

Dear Dr.,

I really learned a lot from your article entitled "Dating Two (or More) women at the Same Time". I have a few questions though and I'd really appreciate it if you could give me some advice on this.

I recently started dating a woman. I like her but I know she's not the woman for me in the long run. She's concerned and tells me she really doesn't want to see me with other women. She teases me by implying I have all kinds of women that are interested in me (which isn't true). When this happens, I'm really not sure what to say. I don't want to hurt her feelings, nor seem like my life is revolving around just her or that I don't have any options. When she says this, I just smile and tell her how cute she is.

How would you handle this?

Although I don't have much experience in dating two or more women at the same time, I would like to. At least until I find one I really want to commit to. While I have learned a lot, I'm still basically a nice guy (but no longer a pushover) and I really don't want to lie to the women I date. Several of my friends feel that the right thing to do is to tell each woman up front that I do date other women so I can never be accused of lying to them, deceiving them, or setting myself up for them going Psycho on me.

What is your opinion on this?
What's the best thing to say?
What's a guideline on when this conversation should take place?
When I get a call at home, or on my cell phone from another woman, how should I handle it?
How should I address the caller and how should I word it when I have to say
Where I'm at and with whom?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you so much!

-----------------------------

Hello!

First, you need to realize that this woman is trying to make you responsible for her insecurity. In other words, by implying all that about other women, she's setting you up to knock you down. She senses that you're not as committed to her as she wants so that if she finds you're dating other women, she can come back and say tell you what an asshole you are, and "How dare you take advantage of her trust like that!", etc., etc.

You need to realize that you are NOT responsible for her emotional well-being - even if you care for her. She is an adult and is the only one with that responsibility - she cannot deny it, give it away, or simply expect anyone else carry this responsibility. Women do this all the time however. In the very language she uses, she thinks that she can guilt you into being only with her.

My brother, not only are you NOT responsible for her insecurity, you are not obligated to uphold her expectations (or wishes) for you out of any sense of duty, honor or responsibility - as long as you haven't lied to her. I believe that a man's word is his bond. So, don't agree - even under duress - to only dating her. Instead, do just what you've been doing. Treat it as funny, while realizing that you have your own path, and she has hers.

If you DO meet other women you want to date, for God's sake - DON'T TELL HER and DON'T LET HER FIND OUT! Many men do this: they leave little clues around for a woman to "discover", and believe me; she's looking constantly for them. She'll notice even small things like a different color hair in your car! Not only would it get very messy if she found anything incriminating, but frankly if you do care about her, don't set her up to be hurt. You have responsibilities in dating multiple women, so be a man, and do what you have to do to protect her along with yourself.

As well, don't get backed into a corner and become forced to lie to her, or worse, over commit. Decide that if she DOES back you into a verbal corner, making you state that you either are or are not dating someone else, that you'll have a plan on what to say.

Here's what often happens: a woman will build an artificial situation that you'll have to deal with, (this, by the way is called "The Test" - see my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" for more on this), then it will result in some anger or hurt on her part, (don't worry, this is all part of The Test). However, she's going to turn this around into something where you have to jump through an emotional hoop.

Women do this because they know intuitively that us men are usually not ready to handle it. Thus, we can only do one of two things: lie or over commit. You, my brother, have to be ready for this and deal with it cleanly and quickly. Always remember that you have no specific agreement with her to be monogamous, or to not date other women. Nor will you make such an agreement!

If you get backed into a corner, you've got to pull this out of your hat and be ready. Simply state it clearly, plainly, and without emotion, "I'm sorry, we have no agreement to be exclusive, and I'm not ready to make one." Be clear and to the point.

As to when this conversation should take place, realize that she is going to assume that you're a monogamous couple far earlier than you will. That's why she's setting you up right now! She's trying to imply that you are exclusive, and if you fall into this trap, she's going to have ammunition if you aren't, so don't let that happen. Instead, just keep doing what you're doing - ducking the punches.

If you get a call anywhere from another women when you're with her, just say on the phone, "I'm sorry, I'm busy right now and can't talk to you right now." Then, claim to her that work called, or one of your buddies, and that you "...wanted to give your entire attention to her right now..." Even better, don't carry your cell phone, or answer your home phone when you're with her. In fact, turn your answering machine to silent unless you're by yourself.

Vince, believe me, you have the right to handle your relationships however you want. Beyond the commitments you've made to her, your time and freedom are yours. You just have to do some extra planning and organizing if you want to be successful at dating multiple women.

Best regards...

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