It's All In The Plan

Doc:

I have been dating a girl from the Midwest now for two months. We had known each other a month prior to dating. We talk on the phone once a week for several hours at a time; we have gone out a total of six times in two months. We have much in common and always have a good time together. She is 36 and I am 41.

The first couple of times that I kissed her, she thanked me for kissing her! She is not very affectionate, however and does not like prolonged kisses, and sometimes will not hug me back. She does show a lot of interest in me however.

She has been divorced about 8 years and moved to LA, where we are located a year ago. We had lunch at my place yesterday, afterwards we kissed a bit, but again she only kissed be briefly. She told me that it scares her that I like her a lot and that no one has really liked her or treated her like I do – which is very good.

Then, she dropped a bomb - she told me that she has been dating another man for a month and a half now, which shocked me! And she said it like if was no big deal. She also said that at first she could not get a date, now she dates quite a bit. I am kind of old fashion and very loyal as well so I did not know how to take it. I didn’t respond, I like her very much and I am going to question her but I am not sure how to approach this situation. Last thing I want to do is get hurt.

What do you think?

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Hello!

It appears that she doesn't like you as much as you like her.

You didn't mention if you've slept with her yet, but considering how unattached she is toward you, I'll guess not. That is a very bad sign, especially considering that you've been dating for 2 months, and have gone on 6 dates!

The other problem here is that you don't have any goals. You see, you're willing to just sit back and let HER control the timing and direction of the relationship. That means that she gets to let you spend your time, money and attention on her, and SHE gets to control if she'll ever give you anything back! Is she paying for her half of these dates? Does she contribute in any other way? Can you see what's really going on here?

My suggestion is this: make a firm decision on how many MORE dates (if any) you're going to take her on, and how much MORE money you're going to spend before you get what you want, (whatever that is: sex, a commitment, etc.), and STICK TO IT! You can even tell her this if you like. Say something like, "You know, we've been on 6 dates already, and have spent hours and hours on the phone. I've invested enough in this, and if you're not willing to move any farther, I'm going to find someone that will."

Personally, I have a "three date rule". If I haven't slept with a woman by the third date, I move on in every circumstance. Here's why: men and women use sex differently. Women use sex to bond and create intimacy. Men use sex to determine if they WANT to bond and create intimacy. It's apparent that this woman is avoiding the "bonding/create intimacy" things, while getting her ego boost from you and "guy #2". How much longer are you going to let this go on?

It's up to you!

Best regards...

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