Doc Gives A Reader A Gift!
( being exclusive and expectations )

Dear Dr. Neder,

Hello I have messed up big. I have been seeing this girl for about two months and never said anything about being exclusive. Well, about a week ago I had a one-night stand with a different girl that I met at a club.

I got caught and she flipped out. Now, I think she is going to give me a second chance. However, all trust is thrown out the window and was wondering if you had any advice on how to prove to her that I only want her and no one else.

Again, I have apologized over and over again but I need to know is there anything that I can do to try to make my mistake disappear as soon as possible. This girl means the world to me.

Please help!

----------------------------------

Hello!

The very first thing you need to do is to stop apologizing!! Don't be a jackass!

Just as you've mentioned, you don't have any agreements with her about being exclusive - and after just 2 months of dating, I don't why you should have such an agreement anyway. Who came up with the expectation of exclusivity in the first place? Is it just assumed? Of course not! You're taking the feminine view of your relationship with her and that is never a good thing!

In general, people don't discuss their relationships with their partners. Further, women almost always assume exclusivity much earlier than men do. Believe me, if the tables were turned - and it was SHE that was caught with another guy - she'd be claiming the very same thing! "Well, you know, we never talked about being exclusive in the first place..."

This point about the trust thing is just a fallback issue. In other words, women do this all the time as a manipulation method. She's trying to extract from you the maximum about of guilt to be able to control you in the future. Don't be a sap! If you go along with this game, she's just going to stop respecting you and you'll be in much worse shape than you are right now! Then, either me or some other guy that has this figured out will come along and take her from you.

Let's talk about the trust issue for a moment. I get this all the time from women, "Oh, he 'cheated' on me and now, I just can't trust him anymore!" This is said in an attempt to:

1) Firmly establish herself as the victim of the situation; and,
2) To remove any current or future responsibility

So then I ask these women, "Ok, do you 'trust' him to grab something from the store when you ask him to? What about picking you up from the airport when he promised?", etc., etc. Of course, these same women "trust" their guys to do these things, so the fact is, there is a "level of trust" involved.

In other words, to simply say she doesn't "trust" you anymore is a cop-out. It's an attempt to make you beholden to her for any- and everything you will ever do, say, think or feel for the rest of your life! This is just plain stupid - if you fall for it!

Now, combine this fact with the fact that you had no agreement (only an assumption on your part) to be monogamous in the first place! Why are you feeling so guilty? Because SHE said it isn't right? What about YOUR feelings? Why do YOU think it is wrong? Oh, that's right - because SHE said it is!

My brother, it's time to stand up and be a man. You haven't "damaged" her in any way here. There is no "trust issue" because you never had the foundation for the trust in the first place. Further, this is just a manipulative ploy to see how you're going to handle it. If you've read my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", you'll instantly recognize this as "The Test". (If you haven't read it yet, why not?)

So, what do you do now?

Just like any Test, you need to deal with this from the advantage - not from the sniveling, sorrowful, submissive position. Here's what you do:

First, tell her that if you had the choice now, seeing how unhappy she is about things, you would have chosen to not do it in the first place. HOWEVER, it has happened and you can't make it un-happen.

Then, you need to say, "What I'm hearing from all of this is that you want an exclusive relationship with me. From this point on, I'm willing to give that to you but only if you'll agree to do the same thing for me."

If she agrees, you've got a new, fresh start but, make her agree that she isn't going to throw this back in your face later! If you don't extract this agreement right now, you're never going to get it. Further, it's always going to be an issue in your relationship from this point on, so get it handled. Then, if she comes back and tries to use it again just say, "No, you're not going to bring that into this discussion - we've agreed it was in the past and it will stay there - no options." Of course, you need to stand your ground here, DO NOT agree to discuss it further.

You should also do one more thing - you should discuss other aspects of your relationship at the same time.

NOW PAY ATTENTION! I'm about to give you a real gift!

Say this to her (after you're done agreeing about the exclusivity thing): "Honey, let's talk about other expectations in our relationship." [Don't be scared - read on] "What things do you expect of me?"

Believe me, she's going to give you a laundry list of things she expects like, regular dates, being nice to her mother, etc., etc. It's likely to go on and on, but pay close attention - she's giving you a list you'd better remember. In fact, write it down! You're going to be "Tested" on it again later!

Now comes the fun part!

Say to her, "Ok, I understand what you expect of me. Here's what I expect of you: ..." You can now get YOUR expectations met! You'd better work out your list beforehand however, or you're going to forget something that you want, and believe me, you're probably NOT going to get another chance like this again.

Here's an example list - modify it, add to it, take things away as you see fit:

1. Regular sex, including blowjobs, dress-up games, role-playing, risky locations, "kinky sex", ect., ect., ect. - in fact, anything you can imagine wanting - you should probably stop at farm animals however;
2. Your personal lives together are to stay personal - she can't "diss" you to her friends or family for example;
3. She has to tell you EXACTLY what she wants from you in plain, clear language - no "hinting" and expecting you to just "get it" or being mad at you when you don't;
4. When she's angry or unhappy with you she has to say so and explain exactly what's up. Otherwise, she doesn't get to pout!
5. No excuses for "crazy behavior" - not even during her period!

...ect. I think you get the point, and I hope you see what a great opportunity this is to turn things around, and what a great gift I've given you! Don't miss this chance!

Remember too that both your "lists" are negotiable. You can trade things off, or simply say "no" if you don't want to agree to something. What you're really doing here is outlining the boundaries of your relationship for the future! The great part is that you can have just about anything you want! Let your imagination be the limit!

Best regards...

> Home > Dr. Neder Relationship Advice: Main Page

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2004-2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.