The Date Breaker

Hello Doc Neder,

For a long time I have been getting your newsletters and reading the articles on your site so recently I bought your book, “Being a Man in a Woman’s World” and your attitude towards women is truly unique and amazing!

Never in my life have I seen a male actually willing to walk away if he doesn’t get what he wants. It's usually the other way around. I have adopted this same attitude with success and I recommend the book to all the guys out there. Buy it, buy it, BUY IT!

However, certain types of women don’t respond well to this, "take it or leave it" attitude and some erupt in anger. Maybe THEY were the problem...but Doc Neder, I would like your input on this issue. This is the situation I recently had with a young lady I was previously interested in:

I had known this girl for 2 months. We went out once and immediately after the date she sent me an email message and then a phone call literally begging me to go out with her again. We set the date but it never happened. The day of the date she had to "cancel" because she had got into an argument with her mother and she was too upset to go out.

After that, a week later we set another date. The day of that date she claimed her grandmother was sick and she had to take care of her so she rescheduled for yet a week after that and yes...she couldn’t make it...said her mother upset her again. After this I disappeared and ignored her for 2 weeks. She came back and said she missed me so Monday, I told her I wanted to get together with her that Friday. She said she doesn’t make plans that far in advance, (keep in mind the 1st date we went on, we made plans for it a week and a half in advance). Then she said her best friend was in town (actually she had been in town for the past 3 weeks) and she had to spend as much time as she could with her because she moves around a lot but she DID want to see me. This time I put my foot down on this nonsense.

I said "I don’t want to hear any excuses or sad stories why you cant go out because the last 3 times I asked you out that’s what you gave me." She responded with: "That’s the rudest thing anyone has ever said to me! I can do as I damn well please. You are egotistical and that is not attractive." Then I said, " Well that’s how it is and I'm not going to change what I said" She then became furious and expressed how pissed-off she was at me.

She also got mad when I told her I didn’t want to talk to her because I am only interested in talking to people who want to go out and are serious. She wanted to keep talking but she really DIDN’T want to go out and it upset her when I uncovered her plot to make me a phone-buddy, which is what I DID NOT want. I have since happily broken off ALL ties with her and have no intention of going back to that.

Doc Neder, I want you to critique how I handled this situation because there are times where I encounter a woman who gets angry when I confront her. Does the "take it or leave it" attitude you discuss weed out the serious women from the player women?

Thanks in advance for the great advice!

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Hello!

Congratulations on buying the book. Yes, it is a unique perspective, and actually does anger some women. Almost everyone thinks that men should pursue women, when in fact; nothing is further from the truth. You see my brother; YOU are the prize to be won - not her.

By adopting that "correct" attitude, you're placing yourself in the right light in women's eyes. Why is this so? Because women often "date up". That is, many are looking to date someone that is in some way, their superior. You express this in your attitude - and being willing to walk if you don't get what you want. This is also why some women actually get angry over this.

They are used to being sought after and desired. THEY want to control the situation. Well, actually - they don't want to control it, they really want some strong "alpha male" to control things and even though they get angry at first, they find these guys irresistible. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about here!

With that introduction, let's look at your situation:

She was expressing great enthusiasm and a high level of interest in you. That's a great thing.

Then, the day of the date comes, and she has an "excuse" why she can't go out with you. How predictable! Here's what was going on: she wanted to see if you really were the man she hoped you'd be. In fact, you blew this opportunity. You let her get away with it.

If this had been me, I would have said, "Sorry, that's not the way things work with me. I need at least 24 hours notice to break a date. Anything less is showing your disrespect of my time and me. If your life is in such shambles that you can't coordinate your schedule and your home life, I'm moving on." Of course, her predictable reply would have been this: "But wait - I can't predict when my mother and I will fight..."

I'd cut her off at that point and say, "Wait a minute - you're trying to make ME responsible for your problems with your mother, and I'm not." She'll come back again with, "Well, how am I supposed..." Where I'd cut her off again saying, "No, I'm not playing that game. You either respect my time or I'll find someone else who will."

I hold this hard line for a number of reasons. First, the fight with the mother is just an excuse. She wants to see how you'll handle it. In effect, you told her that her little emotional tantrums (whether real or fake) are acceptable behavior. What kind of precedent does that set for a relationship?

Second, it tells her without question that I'm worth so much more than that game - and I know it. It also says that she better know it too.

In your case, she actually did it a second time just to see if you'd play along. Unfortunately, you did it again. What's really amazing is that she gave you the unprecedented 3rd try! That's almost unheard of, and shows her level of interest! You almost did the right thing here by dumping her buy I'd have handled it a little differently – I like to keep a door open.

When she told me that she wouldn't make plans "...that far in advance...", I would have told her, "Look, I'm very, very busy and have to coordinate my calendar at least that far ahead. What are you doing anyway? Waiting for a better offer to come around?"

Finally, when she gave you attitude about "...the rudest thing..." This would have been a great time to cut her off. You could have said, "Hey - drop the attitude! You don't have the right to be angry here - you're the one treating ME with disrespect through all of this. Besides, that wasn't rude at all - this is: I want you to stop messaging me, calling me, etc., until you get over this little tantrum. When you learn to act like a responsible adult, instead of a spoiled little girl, THEN you can call me again, but not one minute before!" [click!] Hang up the phone right then and there.

Then, be ready - there's a good chance she will call you back either immediately to fight, or within a week or so! But, you've got to carry this same attitude on the next phone call. If she calls you back, you want to simply ask her this: "Are you over your tantrum?" She'll probably shoot back something like, "Yes!" You can then come back with, "Oh wait - is that MORE attitude I hear?" I think you're getting the picture here.

The point is that you've got to FIRST decide that you're worth being treated properly. How would you feel if one of your buddies tried to pull this crap? You'd probably kick his ass! At the very least, you'd lose respect for him. Why is it that when women pull this crap? Because so many guys put up with it!

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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