Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
Friendships
and False Hopes
Hey Doc:
I was going out with this 24-year-old girl for about 3 months.
We enjoyed our time together but she fell for me pretty hard.
Since it was only 3 months, I believe that her feelings were
mostly infatuation, but I'm not sure now.
I panicked and broke up with her because I don't think I'm
ready for that kind of commitment. I feel like I will hurt
her later because I am not that experienced and still want
to enjoy other women. Don't get me wrong, she was everything
that I would need in a girlfriend, but my mind is not ready
for a serious relationship with anyone. But I still love her
company more than with most of my friends. I don't want to
let go of her friendship, but I also don't want to give her
false hope by enjoying her company too much.
She says that she feels hurt, but she understands where I
am coming from and knows that we can only be friends. She has
reassured me that I don't need to worry about her in that aspect,
but I still do. We like doing a lot of the same things, which
makes our time together very enjoyable whether we are intimate
or not.
Is this wrong? Am I giving her false hope, even though we
have reached a mutual understanding about where the friendship
stands? Should I believe her when she says that she knows we
can never be together? I mean it was only three months, and
she's not a little girl. If she can bear this, I would love
to still be her friend and kick with her without a relationship/commitment.
What to do?
Thanks!
=================
Hello!
When you break up with someone; even if it's only been
a short or informal dating relationship, you shouldn't
give her false
hopes by agreeing to be her "friend". People need
some time to heal after these breakups and that takes distance.
The person doing the breakup will often offer the friendship
in order to help ease the pain, but in fact, this usually just
gives false hope that things might turn back into a relationship
again.
In your case however, she seems mostly fine with the "friends
with benefits" arrangement. You seem to be concerned
for her well-being and have made it clear that things are
not going
to go any further. I suggest that you might continue this
on a trial basis, but keep your eyes open for signs that
she's
not handling things very well. Some of the things to look
for include:
- Pulling away
emotionally
- Beginning to
use sex as leverage - for example, either offering it in
order for you to come see her when
you don't want to,
or withholding it when she senses you're not fully "with
her".
- Acting jealous
over things you do with other people - including friends
and family
- Introducing
you to her friends as her "boyfriend"
- Starting
to make future plans for you and her to do things like
take vacations, etc.
- Acting upset,
but telling you that everything is "fine!"
Here's the bottom
line: as you both continue in this "relationship" one
of you is likely to find someone else you either want
to date or start a relationship with. As soon as that happens,
it's
likely going to put a hitch in the current plans. When
that happens, you're going to wind up in another breakup
where all
the drama starts over again. Frankly, this is a scenario
that can play out over and over again and will eventually
hurt someone
- likely her, but maybe you! This would be the time
to fully end the relationship and move on for everyone's
benefit.
Best regards...
> Home > Dr.
Neder Relationship Advice: Main Page
- - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - -
Have a love, relationship,
sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write
to me at dwneder@beingman.com
for answers. For more information about my books, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
products visit: www.beingaman.com.
Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2004-2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
|
