Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
How Slow
is Too Slow?
Hi,
I've known this wonderful man for about 2-1/2 months now and
we've been out 3 times with each other, and each time we've
both thoroughly enjoyed each other's company.
It's been a mutual interest process,
i.e., he asked me out, I asked him out, then he asked me
out, etc.
The last time I
invited him to go to a Christmas dinner/dance at my job, however,
he declined and said, "I don't think I want to go. I don't
think it would be wise considering the pace in which things
are moving."
We started off with both of us saying we wanted to move slow
and develop a solid friendship first and I thought the pace
was just fine, until he turned down my invitation to the dance.
We haven't even kissed yet in 3 dates. In talking to a guy
friend about it, he says that it probably means that my friend
likes me a lot and feels the need to control his testosterones,
and that's why he's not wanting to go dancing with me yet,
because he's afraid he'll want me physically and it's too soon
in the relationship.
I think my guy friend is right, and I'm okay with that. I
really like this new man in my life and I'm willing to invest
the time it takes to establish something solid. He still shows
interest, so I really believe that we have great possibilities.
What do you think?
-------------------------------------------- Hello!
First, let me congratulate you
on your attitude! He asked you out first, but then you turned
around
and invited him out.
That's a "new millennium women" at work, and very
few women can or will do this. I'm very proud of you on this
point.
Regarding the Holiday party, I agree with this guy. It's too
soon for you two to be meeting each other's friends. I'd reserve
that until at least a few more months, and a few more milestones!
I'm concerned about one thing:
why haven't you two kissed, especially after 3 dates? This
guy is no
student of mine (as
a reader of "Being a Man in a Woman's World"), as
he would have kissed you on the first date. I don't care how
slowly you're taking things; this is far too slow in my opinion.
Besides, kissing isn't such a big deal! It's just exchanging
some little pleasures between you to. So what? Maybe you're
not ready to jump into the sack yet, but kissing, hugging,
etc., is so benign. What's the hold up?
I fear that there's something
else wrong with this relationship. Who instigated the "let's take it slowly" policy
- you or him? It makes a difference, but more important, do
you really want to take things slow, or are you just doing
it because you read it in a magazine article somewhere, and
it sounded like a good idea?
If you look into your own heart, wouldn't you rather be swept
off your feet and have things rush by you, carrying you along,
or would you rather try to strip all emotion and feeling out
of it, and make it cold, logical and calculated?
When people set artificial guidelines for a relationship rather
than letting their feelings dictate their actions, I believe
this is a bad thing and sets a bad precedent for the future
of the relationship. Relationships are all about feelings and
emotions. You're trying to establish one based on logic, and
frankly, what's the logic? That slow is better? Why is that
true?
I'm not saying that fast is necessarily better either, but
I DO believe that doing things when they feel right *IS* better.
Having been on 3 dates and you haven't even kissed yet is a
big red flag to me, and if I were the guy, you wouldn't get
a 4th date. I'd be off trying to find someone that has a much
more realistic view of what they want in their relationship.
I tell people this all the time:
men and women don't make good "friends" for each other. You already have a
friendship with one guy, why are you trying to establish another
one with this guy that you're attracted to? This is a very
bad idea. The best "friendships" between men and
women that are dating come AFTER all of the emotionality has
been established.
This might be a very good time to re-think this plan. I hope
things haven't gone too far that you can't reverse this trend.
Earlier, I asked who implemented this idea - if it was you,
or if it was him. If it was him, I'm concerned that there are
other things going on. Perhaps he's not really interested in
you, but doesn't want to be alone during the holidays, or maybe
he's actually gay and hasn't accepted it yet. Obliviously,
I don't know him, but there seems that something's wrong, and
finding out now is going to be much better than later.
Best regards...
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