Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
Live The
Way You Choose...
...But Choose A Way To Live!
Doctor:
My boyfriend of 2 years going on 3 is married. Unlike the
usual thoughts some people have; that he is never going to
leave the wife, this is untrue. I was very good friends with
him before our relationship started for quite some time and
I am also involved with him at work and have talked with him
and friends of ours (other employees at work) about his current
situation before we got together.
He recently made the decision to tell his wife and children
that he is leaving. Now the problem; it's not the wife, but
the children (they are 10 and 8). They no longer speak to him.
The younger one is a little better but the older one ignores
him as though he were just a piece of furniture. It is very
depressing for me to see him upset about it and he is very
depressed with our relationship now that he cannot commit to
a date/time of leaving.
We have discussed the issue and
agreed that he has to take time with his children who I agree
100%
come first to see if
and when they will come around to his decision. Now, after
2 days of very emotional conversations he has decided to tell
me that it may take him more time then planned to move out
and start over. He told me he does not want to "drag me
on" and told me we will see what happens. I agreed to
that.
We also discussed the fact that this decision to stay is not
a final decision that our relationship is over. Although; he
did tell me if I met someone I found interesting enough to
date that I should and he would catch up to me when the time
comes. I cannot picture life without each other. I told him
during the past 2-day conversation that kids are kids and they
will get over the separation.
I am from a divorced family and so is his current wife so
I know it is not new to her. He is worried that the kids will
rebel and refuse to see him and that will kill him (which is
understandable). I guess I am looking for some other advice
rather then from friends. To someone who has no clue who I
am to tell me their thoughts on this.
What does it sound like to you?
Should I shut the door and move on totally which will devastate
me or leave the door unlocked?
I am a believer of faith and the statements like, "if
you love something set it free, if it comes back it's yours,
if it doesn't it was never meant to be" as well as "if
its meant to be it will be".
Some sort of thought would be great if you don't mind emailing
me back. Although you don't know him or me please don't generalize
me in the category of the usual married man single girl section
of your thoughts.
Thank you.
----------------------------------- Hello!
Well, without knowing you, how else can I categorize you other
than generally? ;)
Let's look at this a different way. Ultimately, this is all
about your goals - of which you have none. You're basing your
choices on dreams - dreams that he will leave his family, and
that you two will get together and live happily ever after.
More on this in a moment.
What I think you're failing to see here are the kids. Consider
that if they have a choice, they will opt to keep mom and dad
together for purely selfish reasons; even if that isn't the
best thing for them. Further, they have discovered that they
can manipulate dad into doing anything they want to him to
do by withdrawing their love. Your boyfriend reacts directly
to that and responds based on their actions rather than his
- or your - desires or goals.
So, back to these goals. Without goals, you're destined to
live this life forever - at the whim of the kids. If you don't
mind that, fine; be my guest. That; in my opinion, is a very
poor way to live. Consider the alternative; you love him, but
decide that you deserve better in your life. You deserve to
have someone that is available to love you back - and to be
with you. You deserve the closeness that he can't give you.
You deserve to have someone there with you on holidays; whose
family is also there and that love and respect you too.
The only difference between goals
and dreams is a timeframe. If you were to decide that by
a certain reasonable
date, you
were to leave and move on with your life; how would that affect
your future? Positively, I'll bet! Your boyfriend has so much
as told you to do this himself! His motivations probably come
from one a few places: either he loves you enough to "set
you free", or he just believes that he'll never be out
of the situation and that you should move on; with the latter
being the much more likely scenario.
My dear, your life and your love are yours to live anyway
you choose. Right now, you've chosen to live them based on
other people. How can that ever be a good choice?
Best regards...
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