Divorce, the Kids, Family and Me

Dr. Neder:

How do you end a marriage where one partner is happy and wants to continue, but I’ve been miserable for over 15 years. The relationship is over, the kids are grown but they won't even discuss the divorce.

I want to write down the reasons the relationship is dead and the reasons to separate and my goal is divorce. Each time I try however, my partner cries, throws tantrums, calls the kids into it and family and friends. The drama is way too much.

I want to get out with a bit of dignity and want the drama to end.

Help!

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Hello!

So, you're looking for an easy way to end a marriage where you won't have to deal with the hurt and pain of your partner? That sounds pretty cold and callous to me, especially after 15+ years! You saw something in this person when you got together and first married them. Don't you think your spouse, kids and family have a right to be involved in all of this? I do. They are directly affected by it even if you don't really care about that.

That doesn't mean that you shouldn't split if you need to - especially if you're "miserable". But be aware that this is a one-way street. You don't get to come back and create new heartache for anyone involved if you end this. That's equally selfish - maybe even more so. As well, get to this and get it over with. All you're doing is creating further drama by lingering. Would you cut a dog's tail off piece by piece? Of course not - you'd do it all at once and get it over with. Doing otherwise is cruel - just as it is to prolong this inevitable break-up.

Ok, let's get on to the split.

To do this, you have to decide absolutely that you are going to move on this time regardless of the drama and any problems that creates. I suggest you work out an exit plan by where you detail all the things both you and your spouse are going to need, a suggestion about splitting the assets (by the way, be GENEROUS in the giving and meager in the expecting), living arrangements, even arrangements with the kids. Try to be as organized and complete as possible. Then, go see an attorney - all without telling your partner first.

When you get most of the details worked out, go to your partner and explain that you're ending the marriage for good and be firm about it. Crying, including the family, etc., isn't going to prevent the inevitable, so you want to do this as cleanly and quickly as possible with the least amount of damage to everyone involved. I suggest that you have your reasons for the split detailed as well, but focus solely on you and what you need/want in your life - NOT a list of grievances or complaints about your spouse. They have enough to deal with here. You also want to begin the split immediately and should already have everything in place for this to occur within 24 hours.

Finally, work your plan. Don't hedge, hesitate, vacillate or change your mind. This is difficult enough for everyone involved. If you really want to split up, get to it and be compassionate about everyone's feelings and pain. They deserve that from you.

For more information on breaking up, please see this article: http://www.beingaman.com/breaking_up.htm

Best regards...

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