Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
Do I Have
A Chance With Him?
Hi,
Four years ago
I met a man in the strangest way possible – while driving home
from vacation! He pulled up next to me and just looked at me!
He handed me a CD through the window. It was a local boy-band,
and when I looked at the picture – he was one of the band members!
I finally turned off and he continued driving ahead.
On the CD cover
was an address, so I took a chance and wrote to him. Shortly
after this, I got a call from him and we talked for a long time.
He wanted to meet, and I agreed. He came by to pick me up a
couple of days later and, because he didn’t want to be interrupted
by fans, we drove 50 miles to a restaurant way out of town.
Since I was in
town only for a while, I continued to write when I went home.
He never wrote back, so one day I got angry and wrote him a
nasty 10-page letter. I didn’t hear from him for a year, and
then one day he called! I was in shock! He asked me when I was
returning to his city, and I was actually planning to be there
in 3 days. When I arrived, we began seeing each other, but never
alone – it was always with the other members of his group, friends,
fans, etc. I tried to get him to go out by ourselves, but he
kept saying that he just didn’t have the time.
During this, I
discovered his email password and began reading his email –
even after I got back home. He kept getting mail from girls
that went to his concerts that had only one thing on their minds
– sex. He stopped returning my emails and I lost touch with
him for another year. After awhile, he dropped out of the music
business and began working in Foreign Relations. At the same
time, he a number of dating sights (I knew because of his email!)
I signed up for the same services, and began talking to him.
After awhile of
talking to him anonymously, I told him who I was. He asked me
if I was married yet, and I told him the truth – no. Before
my confession, he was writing to me everyday, after this, he
stopped writing again, except very infrequently. In one of his
messages, he told me that I knew him better than anyone else
– like I was his sister!
Being his sister
is not really what I had in mind, but after all these years
of back and forth, I’d really like to be with him and try to
build something. I told him about reading his email and that
I knew all that he had done, and he didn’t even get mad!
We continue to
correspond, but he’s told me some things I didn’t know before
like that he is divorced. I’ve asked him if we can get together,
but he doesn’t respond to any of this. On the other hand, he
has told me a great deal about his personal life and seemed
to open up to me. Do you think I have a chance with him? Either
way, I just want him to know that I care for him and don’t want
anything bad for him at all.
-------------------------------------
Hello!
Let me try to answer
what I understand your questions to be:
Does he care about
you?
When a man cares
about a woman, he tries to use as much of his creativity as
possible to show it. Of course this includes spending time with
her, sending her notes, email, etc., to let her know that he
is thinking of her, calling, etc. Frankly, I don't see much
of this from your description. He may care about you, but I
doubt that he loves you.
Regarding what
you can do to show him your intention is not to hurt, and that
you care:
You could continue
to do what you are already doing, but frankly, why? Are you
hoping for a future relationship with him? It doesn't sound
like that's his goal to me. I seems that you'd be much better
off just moving on.
I believe the bottom
line is whether you want this kind of up/down relationship with
someone that isn’t really committed to you. Are you willing
to invest your emotional well being in something as unorganized
and uninvolved as all this? I don't recommend it. You could
spend years of your life only to wind up with no more than you
have right now.
I think you have
another issue here too – trust. Why did you start reading his
personal email in the first place? That is wrong, wrong, wrong!
You don’t have the right to go through his personal things –
even his email – anymore than he does. You might see it as innocent
– just trying to find out what he’s thinking, but it is an invasion
of privacy.
Best regards...
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a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
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Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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