Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
The Ex-Wife
Gets In The Way
Hi Dr. Neder,
I've had a friendship
with a man for 12 years. Approximately 1 1/2 years ago we decided
to expand that friendship into a romantic one. He treats me
well but we've had a lot of issues surrounding his ex-wife that
I'm not so sure I should have to tolerate.
I found a sexual
videotape of he and her recently in his closet. I was devastated.
His only response was I'm sorry I didn't know it was there.
I find that hard to believe and have been unable to let it go.
She continues to
call him over silly things and he continues to speak with her.
I don't want to be controlling or jealous but I can't help but
feel that there's still something there. I could understand
their continued contact if they had children but they don't.
She seems to be our only really big issue.
Am I over-reacting
to this situation? Its gotten to the point where I have requested
that he change his number because he says he has told her to
quit calling and she won't. What are your thoughts?
Thanks!
-------------------
Hello!
It seems that you
both have some issues here:
1) You have the
right to grow your relationship with him without the ex-wife's
undue influence; and,
2) You have NO
right to go through his personal things.
Let's look at each
of these:
I wouldn't make
too much of the videotape. There's a huge amount of science
and sociology behind men's "collection" of sexual
activity. This relates to all types of porn, men's natural reaction
to watching a pretty girl walk into the room, etc. Suffice it
to say you have nothing to worry about - this is simply a "behavior"
that nature has built into men in order to assure that humans
survive into the next generation. It is natural, imbued in all
us men, and absolutely nothing for you to worry about.
Regarding her phone
calls; let me say this first: you never lose that piece of someone
you get when you love them. This is nature's "gift"
to us all - men and women. On the other hand that doesn't mean
that he's still interested in a relationship (or anything else)
with her. Yes - I'd bet that if there were absolutely no strings
attached, there was no possibility of you being hurt by it,
ect., etc., that he might possibly sleep with her again - sex
purely for sex's sake (it's a man thing). But frankly, those
are HUGE "if's". So huge in fact, and you shouldn't
even consider them - especially because every other aspect of
your relationship is good. This doesn't mean he doesn't love
you - but remember: men separate love and sex. I strongly doubt
he would give up love for, and a relationship with you for sex
with his ex!
You're understandably
concerned about all this however - probably not so much about
him, as your concern for HER motives. Of course, YOU can't make
HER stop calling - but you DO have some influence over him.
As I said in the beginning - you have the right to grow your
relationship with him without undue, outside influence by her
or anyone.
That said; if he
really is concerned about your feelings, he should do what he
needs to do to make you feel comfortable. Of course, the responsibility
lies with you both. He should tell her to stop calling, and
to not take her calls when she does - that's what caller ID
was made for! On the other hand, there may be good reasons why
he doesn't want to change his number - there are many people
that have it, and it is very difficult to contact them all and
give it to them.
Thus: it is reasonable
to expect him to stop dealing with his ex-wife (provided they
have no on-going business together), and it's not reasonable
for you to expect him to "dance the extremes" to try
to make you happy. Consider this: what if he does these things,
and you still feel insecure? What does he have to do next? We'll
look at this in a minute.
Let's look at going
through his personal things: this is wrong, wrong, wrong! I
don't care what you're reasons for it are. Unless he left that
tape out on the table for you to find, you had no right to look
at it. Many women (maybe you?) use their mistrust as an excuse
to invade someone's privacy. I don't buy it. He doesn't have
the right to go through your things anymore than you do his,
even if you suspect or mistrust him! Reason: this isn't his
problem - it's yours!
I tell people this
all the time: you can't "own" another person. By "own",
I mean, "control". Let me ask you this - in your heart
of hearts - would you really be happy with him if you DID have
him fully under your thumb at all times? No, of course not.
I haven't met a woman yet that really wants this. While I understand
your need to feel secure, remember - that comes from within
you - not from him, nor anyone else. This might be a good time
to re-evaluate your feelings, insecurity, and apparent need
for control.
You might want
to pick up a copy of my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's
World" and read it, then give it to your boyfriend to read.
The message is pure, hard-hitting, and to the point: be responsible
for yourself and your relationship (directed toward men, but
1/2 my readers are women!) Take control, set the tone and pace,
but don't be controlling. It is a message I think we all need
sometimes!
Best regards...
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