Fear, As a Motivator

Dr. Neder,

You most likely already know why I'm emailing you so I'll get to the point.

I have a problem with a girl. I've sunk so low as to looking articles up on the internet because I care about her so much that I don't want to screw it up. She's one year my junior and we are in the same music class, playing the same instrument, and are currently working together on a small ensemble with another girl.

She's really pretty and I've known her for just over a year. The problem is. I can't talk to her the way I want to. Sure, I seem cool and composed right now, but that's because I communicate easier through the keyboard than I do verbally. Unfortunately, I don’t know her email address.

I don't make friends easily, and that's part of my problem. No matter what the outcome, I truly don't want to lose her as a friend. But I'm dead scared that if I tell her that I like her she'll start avoiding me and she won’t want to be my friend. I'm really at a loss. I don't know what to do about this. It's starting to affect me negatively. I'm stressed out about many things other than this as well. But my mind keeps drifting back to her.

I care about her a lot. And I like her on more than a physical level. What it comes down to is this: what the hell can I do?

Thanks for your time...

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Hello!

You've "...sunk so low..."??? Remember: I WRITE those articles! I don't think its "low" at all. Where in the hell are you going to get this information if you haven't found it yet???? I think the Internet is a great place to get information if you're careful about what information you seek, and whom you get it from.

Ok, get this through your thick skull: you can either have her as a "friend" or you can have her as a "girlfriend". You can't have both. If you're afraid of losing her friendship, then you're just going to have to love her from afar and never, ever tell her about it or do anything about it ever. If you do, you're going to lose her friendship permanently. That's the way it is.

On the other hand, you might actually get her as a girlfriend.

What is it that you want? If the friendship is so important, you can stop reading this reply right here. Now you know what you to do - nothing.

On the other hand, if you DO want something more with her, you're going to have to get over this idea of the friendship. In fact, women don't make good "friends" for us guys. They never have, and they never will. That is the fact.

If you want to have something more with her, you're also going to have to get over your fears. Fear will prevent you from doing all sorts of things in your life - including having the relationships you want. If that's ok with you, be my guest and enjoy all the fear you want. You don't need my help on that one!

Being afraid, being shy, being a pussy, etc., are all ways you prevent yourself from getting what you want in life. You're either going to live the life of "quite desperation" or you're going to go out and take what you want from it. As a young man you have the luxury of choice right now, but that's not going to get you anywhere with this girl - and she knows it.

Women are pre-programmed to seek out men - not little boys. That means that as a "man" you're going to need to do the things to move this forward, such as asking her out. That may seem pretty scary at first, but how scary is the idea of not having her instead? Frankly, you may have already sunk into the "friend zone" with her. I suggest that you get moving and stop being afraid.

Just tell her that you've enjoyed getting to know her and would like to know her better on a personal level - starting with this next weekend. Tell her that you'll pick her up on Friday night to get started.

Best regards...

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