Trouble in Break-Up City

Dr. Neder,

My fiancé decided it was best to end our two year relationship about a month and a half ago. In this time I have realized why she did it and that she meant more to me than I ever knew. I made a lot of mistakes that I didn't see until now.

I talked to her about a month ago and she desperately wanted to be friends but I told her I couldn't do it. In this phone call she said she still loved me and wanted to keep the option for us to get back together open but didn't want to yet. She also seemed concerned about something I said a while back. I said that if she ever dated another man after we broke up that we would never get back together. I told her that this rule didn't necessarily apply anymore. The very next day she started dating another man. The information that I have is all from a reliable friend.

I did not talk to her or see her for a month. Yesterday I called her and left a message saying that we could be friends now and if she ever wanted to talk she should call me. She hasn't called yet. This woman is perfect for me and now that I know the mistakes I made I can fix it all and we could have a perfect, everlasting relationship. I just need her to give me the chance.

I will do anything to get her back. She is the woman that I am meant to be with. How can I win her back even though she has a boyfriend? I will do anything and I'm not just saying that.

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Hello!

Well, you SAY that you'll do anything, but we'll see! Most guys claim this and few actually will do it. Here's what you have to do: start dating other women right away.

Will you do that? If not, then you don't need to read any further as nothing else I'm going to tell you will help. You'll just have to wait around and try to convince her that she should come back to you and that you'll change.

In fact, this won't work anyway. You didn't say what it was that you've done that is so heinous, but in fact, she fell in love with that guy you used to be. If you change him, she might come back (after you've been "punished" sufficiently) but she'll never stay around.

I'm always concerned when a couple breaks up this way. When you have problems, you work through them as a team. You don't leave in order to punish someone and you especially don't start dating someone else to hurt them. She's obviously put her message across to you, but this isn't exactly a healthy, relationship-building way to do it. Thus, I have to question the foundation of the relationship itself.

I hope you're still reading as you really need to hear all of this. I'm assuming that you want her back and that you want to get married. Frankly, I would urge you to rethink the marriage part of this in the strongest terms.

This isn't just about you not doing something (or doing something wrong) and she wants it fixed. As I've said twice now, this is about punishment. Otherwise, she'd have tried to work all of this out with you. If you go ahead and get married, it'll be more out of fear of losing her again than because getting married is the right move for your relationship.

Getting married will never give you "possession" of her. You can never own another person even by marrying them - people are just as likely to leave or cheat or disassociate from their partners as when single. All marriage will do is to give her more tools in order to punish you next time! With a poor foundation to begin with, this would have all the making of a disaster!

So, what about my original advice that you start dating other women? Here's the reality:

Right now, she knows she has you hanging by the front door. She has no real motivation to forgive you and thus, likely doesn't plan too unless things go sour with the new guy, and even then, it's not because she's committing to something - it's because she doesn't have a better deal waiting! Even worse, I'll bet she's scared that you'll no longer be the guy she used to love!

Is that really how you want a relationship (let alone a marriage) to work? I seriously, hope not!

By starting to date other women, you're giving yourself (and frankly, your relationship) some options. You'll get your head clear about all of this and you'll start to remember how you should be treated by women. In effect, you'll start taking back that power you no longer have.

Once that is done, you can start negotiations with her *IF* you want to! This will no longer be about being sorry; it'll be about what's best for the relationship between you two. What you have now is definitely NOT that right now!

So, my original question still stands. Will really you do what you have to in order to have her back? We'll see.

Best regards...

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