At The End of My Sexual Rope!

Hello,

I am at the end of my rope here.

I got engaged this past December, and my fiancé was living in another country. I have now given up my job, friends, etc... and moved to be with him and "enjoy our engagement", at his request.

Since I have moved here it has been a mixed bag of attention. He does sweet things for me. He gives me hugs and kisses in the morning and when he arrives home from work. We go out with friends and hang out at home and cook together and drink wine or champagne or just relax in front of the T.V., but we have had sex only twice in a month!

He curls up in the sheet or one of the blankets with a pillow between us most nights. I have caught him masturbating in the middle of the night on his side of the bed, and this past weekend I walked in to find him masturbating to a porno. I feel angry and hurt and confused.

Why wouldn't he want to just have sex with me? I am in great shape and I am attractive and I have been very sweet and loving to him. He acts so happy about our engagement at work and they all tease him about coming in late each morning because now I am in town and he is getting a workout in the morning. It kills me that this is so far from the truth!

Why would he propose and relocate me and then not touch me. I talked to him the night that I came in during the porno and he said that he "doesn't want to have sex with me, and he is not sure when he will".

I need help!

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Hello!

Yes, I agree - you need help here!

Let's deal with this first: confronting him about the masturbation like you're his mother is definitely NOT going to help your situation! Not only are you going to drive him underground about all of this, you're also going to drive him right out of your bed! You want him to open up about his sexuality, not close it down. Do NOT ever do this again with him or anyone else you're involved with. What you see as an affront to your sexual relationship is actually just him expressing his sexuality - something you want more of. You just want it with you.

Second, I strongly urge you to put off the wedding. I don't care how far along all the planning is - DO NOT get married until you get the sex thing worked out! If this is at all important to you, I hope you seriously listen to what I'm telling you here. A sexless courtship will lead directly to a sexless marriage. Trust me on this one.

What you have: an engagement with someone that doesn't want (much) sex with you; someone whose sexuality is being driven underground - and even further away from you; the inability to discuss the issue and to work through it as a couple, with no change expected in the near future.

What you want: someone that is completely open about their sexuality (as you should be with him); that harbors no fear in "letting you in", and that can talk to you frankly about anything - including these problems; a chance to work through all of this together as a team and come out in the end with both of your needs being met and completely satisfied.

This isn't to say that if you get this worked out everything will be hunky. You'll always have issues in your relationship. That's why it's not trite to say that relationships take work. Indeed they do, but to get that work started, you first have to be able to communicate openly and honestly about things - which is why you want to avoid forcing him underground!

From what you've told me, it appears that he has a normal sex drive, so that isn't likely the problem. For some reason however, he doesn't see you as his sexual partner. Why this is so, I can't say - that's for you and he to determine. This may even require that you both seek some counseling to help bring this to the surface.

It might be because he’s feeling pressure by being married, or maybe there’s something about the sex you both have that he’s not happy with. He might be starting to feel differently about you now that you’re both together and doesn’t want to admit the mistake. There are 1001 other possible reasons, but without having a frank discussion about all of this, you’re not going to know.

Regardless of how to do it, you need to get this dealt with right away. I strongly urge you to not go through with the wedding until it is dealt with. A marriage isn't going to make this any better!

Best regards...

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