The Cruise Ship Screw

Hello Dr. Neder,

I have a question regarding a situation I'm about to be in.

I have a female "friend" who I recently invited on a cruise to the Bahamas. We've been friends for about 1½ years. She moved back to her hometown 9 months ago and we keep in touch by phone and sometimes e-mail.

This young lady and I have never kissed, never discussed the possibility of us being a couple, or gone out on an official date. However, during one of our conversations early on when we first met she did make the comment that a date was when you get a kiss at the end as oppose to just going out.

She agreed to go on the cruise with me and I can tell that she's very excited about it. For example, now she calls me at least once a week, while before she only called once a month maybe. This is my dilemma, how do I make this cruise one to remember? I'm sure there'll be a great deal of fun things to do on the boat and the scenario itself will have a memorable effect but I'm hoping for some real fireworks on this trip, and to seduce her.

How do I increase my chances of making it happen? I'm paying the expense for the trip. Initially she had said she would pay her way but had difficulty covering the costs by the deadline for the targeted date of the cruise; so she said she couldn't go.

I then suggested that she let me pay for her because I really wanted to take a cruise and I already had my hopes up. She replied with "Okay, if I wanted to spend the money that would be cool." I have not given her any kind of conditions such as by me paying that she must put out; I just left it open trying to get a feel for her expectations, her interests and intentions with me. She has not once asked me about the cabin arrangement or sleeping arrangement.

Doc can you help me please?

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Hello!

Holy shit! What the hell are you thinking, anyway???

Let me get this straight: this girl has been your "friend" for over a year, she lives somewhere that you can't just drive over to her house, you've never been on a date with her, you've never even kissed her, and now you're buying her a cruise?

OF COURSE she's excited! She just got a free vacation with NO expectations of anything from you! Don't you remember, you're her "friend"? Friends don't put pressure on each other for anything - they can even sleep in the same bed together, and nothing has to happen? This is exactly the tact she's going to use! My brother, where in the hell is your head?

Now, pay attention - this is very, VERY important: you CAN NOT buy your way into a woman's pants!!! It doesn't work, never has, and never will - not even this time!!

Go back and re-read that paragraph a couple of dozen times until it becomes your mantra. Repeat it over and over and over until it finally sinks in.

Your chances of getting anything on this trip are as close to zero as they could possibly be. Let me give you a far more likely scenario: She goes on this cruise, has everything paid for and even has a "buddy" to keep her company. She meets some hot single guy and THEY hook up, so she stays with him in HIS cabin. They go out and dance all night, drink like fish, and you get to see her only when she stops by the room to pick up something she needs - like her birth control pills. Then, you are left spankin' your monkey; so don't forget to lock the door!

Are you starting to get the picture here?

Ok, here's what I want you to do. Now, don't write me back UNLESS and UNTIL you DO THIS! If you don't, you're on your own with my condolences.

Give her a call just to "plan" the trip, (where and when you'll meet, etc.). In fact, you may even want her to show up at your place so she can spend the night and you drive together to the ship.

During this conversation, say this, "You know, I'm really excited about this trip! It's going to be a good chance for you and I to turn our great friendship into something more romantic."

You MUST say this in this way. Leave NO ambiguity as to what your expectations are. Believe me, if she's even remotely interested, she's going to respond positively. You'll hear something like, "Yeah - me too. I've always been interested in you."

On the other hand, if she gives you ANYTHING less than positive, if she hems and haws, or she tries to pull some smokescreen on you, dump her right then and there!!! DO NOT take her on that cruise! Instead, call one of your buddies to join you and the two of you can spend the vacation hunting the on-board babes.

My friend, please don't set yourself up like this. You deserve much, much better, and she's only going to take advantage of your lack of game!

Best regards...

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