From Friend To Boyfriend

Doc:

This girl is a great friend of mine (I think so and I believe she thinks the same of me). I have known her for about 10 month and she is already in a relationship but her bf attitude is quite immature and he is not quite ready for a relationship (that’s the opinions of her best friend). Along the 10 month period, me and her had a kind of funny but close friendship, teasing each other all the time and just having a good time and sharing laughter and problems. We always comfort one another and care about one another’s well being (like any decent friends do). In my last email I have stated some of the important event s that happened between her and me.

Anyway I do not know how to approach the situation, she is not very happy in her relationship but willing to keep it going but she confided in me that her relationship might not last. I then told her that if she breaks up she should take some time off and be single and she evidently agreed. I do not know what to do because I am interested in this girl and not sure how to turn my already good friendship with her into something more than that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello!

I try to warn guys about this all the time: if you think that there may be even the most remote chance of ever wanting more with a woman that a friend, DO NOT make a friend of her first! Once you do that you're almost assured of never having anything else with that particular woman.

The reasons for this are many, but the most important is that women separate men into two categories: boyfriend material, and "friends". Going from friend to boyfriend is almost impossible as it takes a very large amount of time and great effort - all for about a 5% probability of scoring! Are you really willing to bet on those types of odds? Especially when you consider that it's so much easier to meet other women instead?

In order to affect that change, you're going to have to meet and date other women anyway, so why not just take the easy road and find someone else you like? That would be my choice.

IF you decide you want to pursue her, (which I recommend against in the strongest terms) this is what it takes:

1) You're going to have to get scarce - very scarce. Don't call her, don't email her, don't "run into her", etc., you're going to have to become an unknown to her. If she calls or writes you, you can respond, but only very briefly to say something like, "Oh, I've been busy, but I have to run out - talk to you later." and only after 4-5 days. DO NOT respond any more quickly.

2) You absolutely MUST start dating other women during this time. This step is critical. The reasons why are that you need to get your own head on straight. Believe me, after you've dated 3-4 women, you're going to have a different attitude.

3) After 3-4 months (possibly longer), you can contact her. If she goes right back into acting like your long-lost buddy, you need to go back to step #1 above and start all over again, so pay attention to how she reacts to you. She's just telling you that you're new attitude and distance weren't enough. This can actually take 6 months to a year or more to accomplish!

4) When you contact her, DO NOT treat her like a friend this time. Treat her like a woman you're dating! Don't ask to get together with her "to catch up". That will put you right back where you left off! Instead, call her up and ask her out on a date - then make it a date!

That means you're going to need to kiss her by the way! But, not a kiss on the cheek you coward! Kiss her on the lips like you mean it. In fact, I suggest you use the "Opening Kiss" technique.

The reason for all of this is to try to change her view of you. She has to stop seeing you as a buddy, and start seeing you as someone she could possibly date. Frankly, this is extremely difficult to do because you can't see what's going on inside her head.

My brother, keep in mind that this still only gives you about a 5% chance (a 95% chance of failure!) even after all this work! Are you really willing to invest that amount of time and effort into this one woman just to have almost no chance?

Here's an even better piece of advice: move on!

Best regards...

> Home > Dr. Neder Relationship Advice: Main Page

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2004-2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.