Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
Speak Up!
Getting What You Want In Bed (for Women)
I get a lot of reader mail - much of it from women complaining
about how men don't know how to please their girlfriends. I
always have the same response - what have YOU done about it?
Too many women
feel that men should "just know" how to please a woman
in bed. This is just plain ridiculous! I'm convinced that there
is no such thing as a "natural born lover". Making
love is a skill that is learned (for both men AND women by the
way - very few women are really good lovers - men just happen
to be less picky about most of it!) Further, every woman is
a brand new classroom. Often, the things that worked for one
woman don't work for another.
Here's the reality:
if you aren't getting what you want from your partner - it's
YOUR fault and YOUR responsibility!
Why Women
Don't Tell
Many women feel
that "coaching" their partners would hurt their egos;
and for some this may be true. If so, you may have to be more
careful, but you don't have to put up with a lousy lover! You
can broach the subject easily by first asking him what HE wants.
As he's telling you, make mental notes - you can use the help
too, believe me! Women are NOT natural lovers either. Many,
many women just lay there waiting to have things done to them
and then claim that they really know how to please a man. Sorry
sister - it ain't necessarily so!
After he's given
you the litany of things he likes, feel free to tell him that
you have things you want too. He'll understand and probably
want to know more - much more! If he doesn't, what are you doing
with him in the first place?
Other women feel
that he "should just know." How's he going to know
what you want if you don't tell him? Should he just try everything
until he happens upon the thing you really want? That's just
stupid. What man is going to spend all that time trying everything,
getting shot down on most of it to try to find what you want?
If you take this approach, don't be hurt or surprised if he
brings home another woman to try a threesome - just in case
that's what you want!
Many times, I've
asked lovers what they do and don't like in bed. The most common
answer is, "oh, I like just about everything!" Hogwash!
When a man asks you this, he isn't interested in your "range"
of sexual interest - he really wants to know what things you
enjoy. You should be thrilled if your lover asks. Many don't
know that they should! If you don't know the answer to this
question yourself, you've got some work to do.
If You
Don't Say It, Don't Expect It!
If he hasn't found
your hot button(s) and you haven't told him about them he isn't
going to know. Period. You've got to speak up! Women's sexual
response is rather more complicated than men's. Sure, it's easy
for YOU to know what YOU want - but not for him. You've got
to drop your guard a little and let him in on the secret.
Again, you don't
need to be concerned by what you say - he's probably going to
be really into anything you come up with. Men are almost always
willing to try new things. As one of my female friends says,
"That's why I like men - my fantasies are their playground!"
Don't Be
Ashamed or Afraid
Women, you'd be
surprised by how open your man probably is to new ideas. Want
to be tied up and ravished? Most men would jump at the chance!
Would you like to get better oral sex? Most men are very willing
to help. Is he too fast or too slow? Why not say so - but do
it in a sensitive, caring way with the goal of improving your
sex life.
I have a friend
that that had a fantasy about being a slave girl on a ship.
She told her boyfriend who, a few months later rented a sailboat
(he was an avid sailor), and, on a warm summer day, sailed her
to the middle of nowhere, lashed her to the mast, stripped her
and ravished her - more than fulfilling her fantasy (and starting
a bunch more!) In fact, it was so good for her, she still can't
stop telling the story to just about anyone that will listen!
Your man is probably
very interested in what turns you on, so frankly, you have very
little (if any!) risk in telling him.
Don't Expect
Him to Jump Through Hoops
When you tell him
about your desires, don't set the bar too high. Some women's
fantasies are quite complex, involving props, sets, lighting,
etc. For example, if you've always wanted to join the "mile-high
club", don't expect him to rush out and get his pilot's
license so that he can fulfill your fantasy. If you really want
this fantasy to come true, and the bathrooms on those commercial
flights are just too cramped, YOU may have to get YOUR pilot's
license, or be more creative!
You may have to
help him along. Oral sex is a good example. Simply telling him
you like it isn't going to get you oral the way you want it.
He's likely to just dive right in. He probably doesn't understand
the kind of build-up you need before getting that most intimate
of kisses. Take some time and make him understand. This is the
time to be specific about things - after all, it's your satisfaction
we're talking about here!
If You
Don't Know, You Can't Tell It
Do you fantasize?
Almost every women asked this question by her man say's "no",
as though it would make her a slut or something if she did.
The fact is, almost everyone fantasizes - and does so regularly.
Whether it's while having sex or masturbating, sitting in class
or at work, driving in your car, or whatever - fantasizing is
common - very, very common. So, drop the embarrassment and fear!
There is nothing wrong with fantasizing - in fact most psychologist
feel that it is a normal, healthy way of exploring your own
sexuality.
One of the reasons
why women are reluctant to discuss their needs in bed is that
many of them simply don't know themselves. Whether through repression,
embarrassment, fear, bad experiences, or whatever, many women
never allow themselves to explore their sexual side. I have
to wonder what these women are waiting for! There is little
that makes a person feel so alive as sex. You are as deeply
"inside" as you can get as well as outside at the
same time. Why waste this tremendous gift? I can tell you that
your lover doesn't want you to!
Best regards...
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Have a love, relationship,
sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write
to me at dwneder@beingman.com
for answers. For more information about my books, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
products visit: www.beingaman.com.
Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2004-2008,
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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