He's Hot, He's Cold, He's Hot Again!

Dear Dr. Neder,

I've been in a relationship with a 48 year old divorced man for what will be one year on Valentine's Day. My problem is that my boyfriend cannot tell me that he loves me. He has a history of not being in love with previous girlfriends live in or otherwise. His ex-wife left him for another man and he had trouble admitting he ever loved her.

I'm in love with him now. I'm attracted to him intellectually and physically. I also need his support as a friend and as a lover. We have an incredibly passionate sex life and he says he has never experienced anyone like me before. I'm a foreigner and I'm pursuing my career and I need all the support I can get. I haven't been able to form strong friendships in this big city because of its nature but I do have definite goals for my career.

In august after 6 months of being together, he was going to Europe for a family reunion and I told him I loved him and that I think he loves me. He said yes he does love me but is afraid of commitment and marriage because of his dealings with his ex-wife. One month later when he returned to town over lunch I said, "I love you" not expecting anything and he said, "I love you to."

Well one week later when we had an argument over a business client of his he turned cold and then a few days later over the phone said that he thinks the problem is that he doesn't love me and that he was just following me etc... We made up and got closer again.

In December he forgot my birthday, which is five days before Christmas and left me out at Christmas. After Christmas he suggested breaking up with me and then didn't because when he saw me he was swept away. Then 2 weeks ago he went out of town and he called me because he missed me. When he came back he even had someone bring me to his work when he was working late.

So he recently injured himself and had leg surgery this morning. Unbeknownst to me he decided that no one was to be there for him at the hospital etc. I asked why and I drew an answer out of him which was, that he didn't want to owe anyone anything and to let anyone(male or female) get close to him. He said that that feeling was worsening with age. So last night he came by to tell me that maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore because my depth of feeling is deeper than his. He told me that it seemed like I missed him more than his missed me when he went out of town. He also said that when we made love a few days ago, when he was climaxing I said, "tell me how you feel about me" and he smiled nervously and couldn't respond. He says something must be wrong with him because how could he be in that situation and not be able to say I love you. Of course we haven't broken up again and last night he said (even while wearing a cast) he might take me away for a few days.

I've asked him time and time again about why he broke up with all his girlfriends. Why he would live with someone for years and then decide that she wasn't "the one." One woman was too stupid for him; another woman was too neat etc. Whenever we start to get closer he goes with it and then starts to pull away. I asked why he's afraid of marriage and finally he said that he's afraid of losing his freedom. I personally just want to live together for now and I've never been married so I don't get the problem--I'm not aware of the restrictions. I feel that he is afraid of letting go or something. I don't know.

I've always felt that there was a seed of love in him for me but now I don't understand what's happening. I'm at the crossroads with everything in my life and need to make a well founded decision. This whole thing with him is wearing on me and I must straighten things out. I can't help needing a little love. Please help!

Thanks much doctor!

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Hello!

You both have a least a few issues going on here! Let's start with his inability to commit.

Men and women view commitment very differently. To you, it sounds like security, love, future, closeness, etc. To men, it usually means responsibility, lack of freedom, lack of options, stress, etc. Frankly, it's amazing that men want to commit - let alone get married - at all! These aren't my rules - they were in place when I got here! But, these facts remain. Add to this his bad relationship history, self-image difficulties and his inability to "share", and you've got a real problem here.

Now, let's look at your needs. As you know, men and women speak different languages - they both sound a lot like English, but they really are very different. In fact, even specific words have different meanings. Further, men and women each speak different languages amongst themselves! Confused? Hang in there...

You obviously have a need to hear the words "I love you". To other people however, they need to "see" that someone loves them, whereas other need to "feel" the love. I won't bore you with all the science behind this, but suffice it to say that some people (like you and your boyfriend) are "auditories" - needing to hear confirmation of things. Others are "visuals", and others (like me) are "kinesthetics".

In my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" I go into this in much greater depth, so I won't cover it here other than to say that this is who you are. You might be wondering if being auditory is good or bad. Neither! It just "is". The bottom line is that you have specific needs that aren't being met.

He also seems to have a need to control; and you seem to have a need to BE controlled. Consider his coming to you and suggesting that you two break it off. But he doesn't! Why do you think he's doing this? Why doesn't he just make up his mind and move on it? Because, then he would lose you. Instead, by keeping you "off balance" he has the control. Being a "controller" or a "controlee" isn't necessarily bad, but I'm sure you can imagine how this may play out in future years. It will eventually bleed into all other aspects of your life, including your career.

You should think long and hard about the following things:

1) Are you willing to live your life always unbalanced, and never quite reaching your relationship goals?

2) Are you able to let go to the point where he has total control and you have none?

3) Is being with him more important than being in a "healthy" relationship?

I need to add one more point here; that of marriage. Society puts a lot of pressure on women to be married. As you know, women often define themselves by their relationships. A good relationship means, "I'm a good person"; a bad relationship means, "I'm a bad person". Obviously, this is highly simplified, but it is true pretty much along the cultures, (more science: it is based on 1.6 million years of evolution).

I don't know what country you're from, or how long you've been here, but frankly it doesn't matter. These rules are as true here in Los Angeles, as it is in Texas, Florida, Hawaii, or Illinois, or anywhere else in the world. What I tell women is this: don't focus on the goal of being married. There is nothing wrong with that goal particularly, but it isn't the most important thing. Instead, focus on the quality of the relationship.

Is your relationship with him one of quality? Is it giving you what you need? Obviously not. The last question you need to ask is, "Can you make your relationship with him the relationship you want?" If the answer is 'no', it's time to move on and find someone with whom you CAN have what you want. After all, you deserve this!

Best regards...

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