Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
How Women
Can Approach Men
Aloha Dr. Neder:
I
just read your article, "Men: Learn how to be Approached" and
found very it to be very enlightening. I would appreciate your
advice on this subject:
What should I do after I give all the right signals to approach
me and he still doesn't make a move? If I was to approach him...what
do I say? I'm an outgoing and attractive woman but when I see
a stranger I'm attracted too, I become shy and always end up
walking away. I think I don't say hello because I don't want
to be rejected or feel silly. Do you have any recommendations?
Thank you for your help.
I look forward to hearing from you.
--------------------- Aloha!
Thanks for your comment on my article.
It's unfortunate, but many men just don't get these signals.
Frankly, very few men even know how to read them! Worse yet,
the subtlety of it all is missed by most guys. First, you have
to be sure that you're giving big enough signals! What may
seem large to you is likely still too subtle for the average
guy. If you feel like you're over-doing it, then you're probably
just about right.
Second, there's nothing wrong with women approaching men and
I strongly encourage you to do it. There's no stigma involved
in this any more and many men actually appreciate it. I'm doing
everything I can to teach men how to approach, but I'm just
one guy and can't possibly reach everyone out there.
Let's review what signals you want to give to make sure you
have the right ones:
1) Eye contact (if possible - many people avoid eye contact
these days!) This should last longer than feels comfortable
to you. The length of eye contact is different in different
parts of the US and even the world. The area code in your signature
is Hawaii and eye contact norms for your island are slightly
longer than they would be here in California where I live.
You should be thinking about 3-4 seconds. This doesn't seem
like much, but try it - it's tough! Further, when you make
eye contact, you want to be the one that looks away. It's far
better to look down and then to the side rather than looking
straight to the side. Likewise, you may have to do this more
than once - possibly 3, 4 or even 5 times for some guys! That's
very difficult to do with some people.
2) Smile. If you can make eye contact and then add a sweet,
pleasant, natural smile to it, you'll be far ahead of the game.
3) Proximity. If you can get closer to someone - into their
own personal space - you'll also be much more likely to send
the right vibes. You'll also get noticed that way.
4) Breaking
the ice. It's perfectly ok to say "hi" to
people. I suggest you actually practice this - say hello to
everyone you meet. As you get into the habit it quickly seems
very natural. By saying hello, you're opening the door for
a guy to begin the approach with you.
Ok, now let's talk about how women can approach men.
1) I teach
men to use "context" in order to approach
women. In short, what does the guy have in common with the
woman at that instant in time. Usually the location where they
are is a good choice. For instance, if you're at a bookstore,
check out what some guy is reading. You can comment on the
subject of the book, the author or even the section. "Hey
- I see you like photography too!".
You're
not limited to the location however. You might like the shirt
the guy is wearing or his watch.
You might come up
with a question like, "Excuse me - do you have the time?" or
something else in context, "Hi there. I see you like sushi
too - what items do you enjoy the most?" You can even
ask for help such as at the car mechanics: "I always hate
having my oil changed - do I really need all those other services?"
Any context you can think of is a good reason to break the
ice.
2) Communicate! As with the previous example, this is all
about communication. You want to begin to establish comfort,
rapport and connection. Many guys just won't get that you're
trying to meet them either because they're clueless about the
game or they just don't think about it. On the other hand,
those that do get it will take the ball and run with it. You
won't have to do much beyond simply breaking the ice.
With the
other guys, you want to learn to ask "open-ended" questions.
These are questions that have more than a "yes" or "no" answer
to them. For instance, if you ask someone about the time without
a follow-up question, you'll get it and he'll just move on.
On the other hand, if you ask an open-ended question you can
get a conversation started. "Why did you choose that color
of shirt? It really compliments your eyes." will get things
rolling pretty well. You can go from one open-ended question
to another and keep talking all night long!
3) Touching
(or "kino" as we call
it in the game) is a very important signal to most guys.
Putting your hand
on a man's arm signals not only familiarity but closeness.
4) The Close. This is where you either give him your phone
number/email address or you move on to an impromptu date. Unfortunately,
many men don't know how to close! That is, they don't know
that they should ask for your number! They assume that you'll
do the work for them if you're interested. Some women do if
the interest level is high enough, but many won't and wait
forever never to hear the guy ask.
Thus, you
should be moving things toward the close at some point. You
might even end things sooner than
you'd like by
just saying, "You know, it was nice to talk to you and
I'd enjoy doing it again some time. Let's exchange numbers." It's
really that easy.
Finally, don't be afraid of intimidating men. Today, very
few men are intimidated by strong, direct women. Of those that
are, do you really see yourself with that sort of guy anyway?
In effect, by doing the approach yourself, you're actually
pre-qualifying him!
Best regards...
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