How Women Can Approach Men

Aloha Dr. Neder:

I just read your article, "Men: Learn how to be Approached" and found very it to be very enlightening. I would appreciate your advice on this subject:

What should I do after I give all the right signals to approach me and he still doesn't make a move? If I was to approach him...what do I say? I'm an outgoing and attractive woman but when I see a stranger I'm attracted too, I become shy and always end up walking away. I think I don't say hello because I don't want to be rejected or feel silly. Do you have any recommendations?

Thank you for your help.

I look forward to hearing from you.

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Aloha!

Thanks for your comment on my article.

It's unfortunate, but many men just don't get these signals. Frankly, very few men even know how to read them! Worse yet, the subtlety of it all is missed by most guys. First, you have to be sure that you're giving big enough signals! What may seem large to you is likely still too subtle for the average guy. If you feel like you're over-doing it, then you're probably just about right.

Second, there's nothing wrong with women approaching men and I strongly encourage you to do it. There's no stigma involved in this any more and many men actually appreciate it. I'm doing everything I can to teach men how to approach, but I'm just one guy and can't possibly reach everyone out there.

Let's review what signals you want to give to make sure you have the right ones:

1) Eye contact (if possible - many people avoid eye contact these days!) This should last longer than feels comfortable to you. The length of eye contact is different in different parts of the US and even the world. The area code in your signature is Hawaii and eye contact norms for your island are slightly longer than they would be here in California where I live. You should be thinking about 3-4 seconds. This doesn't seem like much, but try it - it's tough! Further, when you make eye contact, you want to be the one that looks away. It's far better to look down and then to the side rather than looking straight to the side. Likewise, you may have to do this more than once - possibly 3, 4 or even 5 times for some guys! That's very difficult to do with some people.

2) Smile. If you can make eye contact and then add a sweet, pleasant, natural smile to it, you'll be far ahead of the game.

3) Proximity. If you can get closer to someone - into their own personal space - you'll also be much more likely to send the right vibes. You'll also get noticed that way.

4) Breaking the ice. It's perfectly ok to say "hi" to people. I suggest you actually practice this - say hello to everyone you meet. As you get into the habit it quickly seems very natural. By saying hello, you're opening the door for a guy to begin the approach with you.

Ok, now let's talk about how women can approach men.

1) I teach men to use "context" in order to approach women. In short, what does the guy have in common with the woman at that instant in time. Usually the location where they are is a good choice. For instance, if you're at a bookstore, check out what some guy is reading. You can comment on the subject of the book, the author or even the section. "Hey - I see you like photography too!".

You're not limited to the location however. You might like the shirt the guy is wearing or his watch. You might come up with a question like, "Excuse me - do you have the time?" or something else in context, "Hi there. I see you like sushi too - what items do you enjoy the most?" You can even ask for help such as at the car mechanics: "I always hate having my oil changed - do I really need all those other services?"

Any context you can think of is a good reason to break the ice.

2) Communicate! As with the previous example, this is all about communication. You want to begin to establish comfort, rapport and connection. Many guys just won't get that you're trying to meet them either because they're clueless about the game or they just don't think about it. On the other hand, those that do get it will take the ball and run with it. You won't have to do much beyond simply breaking the ice.

With the other guys, you want to learn to ask "open-ended" questions. These are questions that have more than a "yes" or "no" answer to them. For instance, if you ask someone about the time without a follow-up question, you'll get it and he'll just move on. On the other hand, if you ask an open-ended question you can get a conversation started. "Why did you choose that color of shirt? It really compliments your eyes." will get things rolling pretty well. You can go from one open-ended question to another and keep talking all night long!

3) Touching (or "kino" as we call it in the game) is a very important signal to most guys. Putting your hand on a man's arm signals not only familiarity but closeness.

4) The Close. This is where you either give him your phone number/email address or you move on to an impromptu date. Unfortunately, many men don't know how to close! That is, they don't know that they should ask for your number! They assume that you'll do the work for them if you're interested. Some women do if the interest level is high enough, but many won't and wait forever never to hear the guy ask.

Thus, you should be moving things toward the close at some point. You might even end things sooner than you'd like by just saying, "You know, it was nice to talk to you and I'd enjoy doing it again some time. Let's exchange numbers." It's really that easy.

Finally, don't be afraid of intimidating men. Today, very few men are intimidated by strong, direct women. Of those that are, do you really see yourself with that sort of guy anyway? In effect, by doing the approach yourself, you're actually pre-qualifying him!

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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