How Do I “Divorce the Ex”?

Dear Doctor:

I live in New Jersey and got engaged 7 months ago. My fiancé lives in Colorado and his ex-wife lives in Las Vegas with his 6 year old daughter. My fiancé divorced his ex-wife 5 years ago due to her infidelity. I am having a real hard time accepting his ex-wife coming over to his home in Colorado to bring his daughter. It's ok to bring his daughter but his ex-wife should sleep over in a hotel not his home. He assures me it's only a friendship but he is has his ex to stay at his home because of his daughter.

It really bothers me since last summer his ex asked him if they can work things out since they have a child together. Of course he told her “no”. I even asked if they’ve been intimate since the divorce, and he says that they have not. She knows we are engaged but he has not told her about our wedding date next February 2005.

Next Saturday I will go to visit my fiancée for 5 days and will meet his ex and his daughter who arrive on Tuesday. I have to come back to Jersey on Thanksgiving morning to have dinner with my son (17 years old).

I can not understand why his ex- has to stay for Thanksgiving at my fiancé's home. I really don't know how I am going to deal with this. My fiancé's neighbor told me it was odd the first time she saw his ex-wife back at home but after meeting her, she saw only a friendship between them. It is extremely difficult to have a long distance relationship and this issue doesn't help.

I feel that my fiancé is not being respectful of my feelings. He insisted I will change my opinion as soon as I meet his ex. He did say, “Please do no became her friend because his ex-wife is a liar and a manipulator…” and that I should keep my distance from her. I keep telling him, how can I keep my distance while she will stay in the same home?

Have you ever heard anything like this before? I know my fiancé loves me and I love him too but it is very awkward situation.

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Hello!

In fact, I've heard this rather often. This is the problem with people in divorces, with kids, and long-distance relationships - of which you have them all!

Your fiancé has every right to maintain a relationship with his daughter. Since she's so young, it doesn't make sense to put her on a plane by herself and it obviously doesn't make sense for him to fly to pick her up and then fly to return her. Having mom come out with her is the logical answer, (other than him flying to see them, of course) and frankly, I'm pleasantly surprised that she is willing to do this! That's a good mom for whatever her reasons, as she's insuring that her daughter and her daughter's father keep their relationship going.

As to your situation, the real problem here is the distance. Since you're getting married in February, my question is where are you both going to live? This is a temporary separation, and if you're so concerned about it, why don't you move in together - or at least move close to each other. That way you'd instantly relieve the problem of the long-distance issue. Most of your mistrust of the situation is from the distance. When she's there, you obviously have no way of knowing what's going on, so instead, you make up all sorts of scenarios in your mind.

Frankly, you have no reason to mistrust him or the situation here. It sounds like everyone is giving you every reason to believe that he's telling you the truth. He's even committed to marry you! You're going to meet her and the daughter in a few weeks as well, and it sounds like that is going to help to put your mind at ease.

I suggest you relax and see what is really going on when you're there. Don't create problems that don't already exist. Instead, deal with real problems, as these will always be there.

Best regards...

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